Thanks Susan. I agree with you about the pumping, it is really starting to get to me. Again, I admire your commitment in pumping for this long.
Actually the whole thing is getting to me. I cope most of the time but now and again I have a complete meltdown, and today was one of those days. I went to a LLL meeting this morning and tried really hard to BF Toby while I was there, but he still wouldn't latch on properly so he got really hungry. In the end I had to give him some expressed milk in a bottle. One good thing that happened was when the Leader was giving me some advice - she said I need to wait for him to open his mouth before I try to latch him - well, I thought he couldn't/wouldn't open his mouth, but when I did wait, he did it! Unfortunately I couldn't get him on quick enough, so we didn't get anywhere, but at least I know he can open wider.
I spoke to the Leader at the end of the meeting and she said I really need to get him off the bottles and back on the breast, as the bottles are getting in the way of him learning to latch properly. She said if I don't do this soon I may never do it, and will end up using bottles the whole time. She said the best way for me to do this is to use an SNS, and that it won't ruin things as he will have to work harder for it than for a bottle, also that we will get more practise as we won't have to supplement using bottles.
So, I got home and basically spent the rest of the day trying the SNS on (it looks really fiddly), watching video clips online about how to use an SNS, latch a baby etc, and in between this, trying to BF him. I just couldn't get him to latch deeply, I tried for ages, used different holds etc (laid back, side lying, cross cradle, cradle, football) but just had to give him a bottle in the end as he was hungry! I decided to wait until my husband came home to try the SNS for the first time. Anyway, by the time he did get home I was massively frustrated and just broke down, weeping and wailing. We decided to wait until tomorrow to use the SNS as it just seems too much today.
It is breaking my heart at the moment. Every time I try to BF him and fail, it chips away at me a little bit more. I feel so sorry for my little man, trying his hardest, opening his little mouth, and me not managing to latch him on. I'm in tears as I write this I know this kind of thinking isn't helpful and won't solve the problem, and that I need to stay strong, but sometimes it completely overwhelms me. I came really close to quitting today - BF still means the world to me, and I am frightened how it would affect me if I did give up, but I have no life at the moment and it is making me and my husband very unhappy. I do have another IBCLC coming round on Wednesday (I saw her before the tongue tie operation and she was really nice), as well as meeting up with another mum who had a tongue tied baby and used a SNS, and we are seeing the osteopath again on Friday, so I guess I'm not quite ready to quit yet. But I am very very unhappy.
I don't know what the answer is - just wanted to vent, I suppose. Thanks for listening.