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Thread: Thinking ahead...

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    perfectly stated phi
    Mommy to Maxwell 10-9-07 weaned with love (a party and a remote control monster truck) on his 4th birthday
    My Boy 3-16-10
    And my sweet pea Sam 2-12-11

    Watch Your Language

  2. #22
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Thank you!!!

    All mothers should feel supported no matter how long they choose to nurse their children!
    K. Sophia - Mama to my little lactivore, the amazing Mr. X (11/10).

  3. #23
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    I can just say a 3 year old won't understand sex. To him, it's just where the milk comes from At least, that is what my three year old says So you may look at that toddler and realize he still needs mama milk and comfort.
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  4. #24
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    Jun 2009
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    My mother and husband have already made it clear that they don't agree with BF into the toddler years. I feel like I can't just refuse to nurse her after she turns one, I didn't take the bottles and binkys of my older girls and just pitched them, but I don't think that my husband or my mom would understand.

    I know I have 8 months before I have to decide, but when I hear comments from my husband about stopping when she starts teething, or from my mom about when they can ask for it they are to old to nurse. I just want to hear from other moms who have different opinions, and were actually there. (My husband isn't from a breastfeeding community, and neither is my mother, and she didn't nurse any of us either.)
    This is a tough position to be in. First of all, I would strongly suggest to not worry overmuch about weaning yet! Every age and stage is so precious and so fleeting, I suggest you enjoy this time without worrying overmuch about what is to come.

    You do not need to “start” weaning at all. Your baby will naturally begin the weaning process when she takes her first bite of solid food-which could be anytime after about 6 months or so, sooner or later as your baby tells you. You do not know at this point how you will feel about nursing when you begin to approach the one year mark.

    At LLL we suggest that “Ideally, the breastfeeding relationship will continue until the baby outgrows the need.” We also often say that weaning ideally happens “gradually and with love.” Vague, isn't it? That's on purpose. Each child will outgrow the need to nurse at different times. And gradually could mean days, weeks, months, or years. With love encompasses "baby led" and "momma led" and the vast area of give and take in between, as long as the process is as respectful and as gentle as possible to both participants.

    The nursing relationship is something that occurs between two people, the mother and the nursing child. When & how nursing ends will impact the mother and the child intimately. It certainly may also affect others who are very close to the nursing pair, like dad, but not in the same way.

    If you get closer to a year and think that you & your child would like to nurse longer, you can discuss this with your husband and mom. I understand they think weaning “should” happen at such and such times. But my eldest’s first teeth erupted at 3 months-should I have weaned then? He certainly had enough words to ask to nurse well before he turned a year old. Should I have weaned then? My friend’s daughter did not speak at all until she was almost three. So she could nurse that long but not my son? The fact is there is absolutely no scientific basis for these “weaning should happen when such and such….” beliefs. So I am curious-What are their real objections? Concerns? Fears? They love you and your daughter. They want what is best for both of you. So perhaps they just need to have their fears respected and responded to, and the entire idea of breastfeeding past a year normalized for them.

    The AAP recommendation to nurse “at least” a year has been misheard (and misquoted) over and over again as “there are no benefits to nursing past a year” or “everyone weans at a year” or “only freaks nurse past a year” etc! Of course we all know this is not true, besides the collective experience of the mothers and children who nurse longer being basically uniformly positive, (or else why would they do it) the hard evidence of the medical, nutritional and psychological benefits of nursing past a year is growing. And this is countered by absolutely zero evidence that nursing into toddlerhood or beyond does harm to either mother or child. Not a single child health or pediatric organization I am aware of suggests weaning should happen by or at any particular age. Do you doubt they would place a limit if there was ANY evidence nursing became detrimental at some point? I don't.

    I like this short but to the point article by Dr. Jack Newman, a Canadian pediatrician & breastfeeding expert. http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=...tion&Itemid=17

    And the work of anthropologist Kathy Dettwyler re: Normal nursing duration in humans and other mammals is fascinating. It’s not published in its entirety online but here are some essays based on her findings: “A natural age of weaning” and http://kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html and “why nurse toddlers” http://kathydettwyler.org/dettoddler.html

    When the time comes to seriously think about weaning, whenever that is for you, there are two great books. “The Nursing Mothers Guide to Weaning” and “How Weaning Happens.” And there are several articles about weaning here online at llli.org of course.

    Info on nursing past a year and what that experience may be like (it’s VERY different than nursing a young baby) can be found in the book Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.
    Last edited by @llli*lllmeg; June 7th, 2012 at 06:41 PM.

  5. #25
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    Mar 2012
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Thank you all for your advice.

    My husband and mom basically disagree with BF into the toddler years, feeling its 'wrong', 'inappropriate', 'weird'. And I have to admit that I was in the same boat. My first two didn't breastfeed and I didn't really care at the time. But now I love nursing my baby girl, and I don't want to make any choices because of other people. But I'm easily pressured, so I wanted to talk with others who could help me be strong.

    My big girls are 3 and 4 now, when I'm holding my 3 year old I can't imagine her nursing while sitting with me. But looking back at the choices I've made, I want to do things different. I don't want to push her to grow up fast like I did with her sisters. I pushed to hard with them and now my husband and I sometimes forget that they still are babies. I'm planning on going to a LLL meeting next month since I missed todays and hopefully I will feel comfortable with the other moms (not easy at making friends) so that I can gain the confidence in myself to stand up for what I believe is right for my baby and I.

    Just yesterday my in-laws were trying to get her to eat a piece, crumb of choc. and then to have her taste spag. sauce. And I just stood there silent, trying to find the right words and not being able to.

    Sometimes I just don't know. I'm a stay at home mom, and my three girls are my world. But sometimes it feels like when I try to talk to people, it's all about my babies and BF, and nobody wants to hear it.... Sometimes I feel alone, and it makes me feel more insecure about my decisions... My biggest hang up is that my mom is an amazing lady, she is wonderful with children, anybodys kid of any age, and we turned out great for the most part. I guess I sometimes feel like if I don't do things her way I'm saying she wasn't an amazing mom...

    But after those sad thoughts I did have a moment with my husband. We were talking about the baby and I was telling him about not wanting the in laws to give her stuff because I don't want her to start any solids yet and he said something about why she isn't ready or when she would be and I told him very proudly "Look at her, does she look like she needs anything else. I think my milk is awesome!" It made me feel very happy for a while, my mom even had a grin (she likes when I stand up for myself). I believe he agreed with me...

    Thank you all again, especially for being there to ramble to
    Mother of 3 beautiful girls, and expecting baby number 4 in July

    Elisabeth ~ 9/25/07
    Eliana ~ 1/08/09
    Elivia ~ 1/22/12 ~ EBF

    with all 3 still

  6. #26
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Oh sugarfoot you post made me cry. I so understand wanting to talk about babies, kids and breastfeeding all day.
    It can be so hard to choose to parent differently than our parents did, especially when we think our parents are awesome. My mother passed away suddenly just a few months before I found out I was pregnant with my first, which breaks my heart. My mom did not breastfeed any of us kids, she was told she "couldn't" for no reason by some doctor when my oldest brother was a baby. Although we kids wanted a “family bed,” she and my dad tried very hard to keep us out of their bed (I would come in and secretly sleep on the floor.) My mom disciplined us in some ways my husband and I would never do with our kids. Because she did (some) things so differently, I know she would be shocked at the way I nursed my kids for years and co-slept with them for years and many of the other parenting decisions my husband and I have made. But she would love my kids and how they have "tunrned out" of that I have no doubt. And she was a really great mom! She loved us kids, let us know everyday we were loved, and gave us a magical childhood and the tools for a successful adulthood-just what I pray I can do for my kids. The differences are just in the details. There are things my mom did for us that I can’t do for my kids at all, it’s just not in my temperament, another reason I so wish they knew her…I guess I am saying, do not think that because you do some things differently then your mom did, that means you do not think she was and is a great mom. I guess I think that great moms raise other great moms, but maybe not the exact SAME mom.

    Anyway, I don’t know how to tell you to stand up for yourself and what you want for your kids. I guess I would say talking about these issues need not be contentious. Frankly, science and much of the latest thinking on child development & education is on your side, both with the breastfeeding and the idea of not 'pushing" kids into things they are not developmentally ready for. You have the power in that sense. So maybe just letting your husband and mom into that world a bit or to have access to the information may help. I think it is great you are going to a LLL meeting, maybe once you become comfortable with that group you can invite your mom to come? I love it when grandmas come to our meetings.

  7. #27
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    Mar 2012
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lllmeg View Post
    I guess I think that great moms raise other great moms, but maybe not the exact SAME mom.
    I honestly never thought about it that way. Thank you, it made me feel better

    I guess I will do whatever I feel is right for my baby. I think it will probably be easiest with them if I take it one day at a time instead of trying to convince them to change their minds It's just hard to not talk to them about every part of it, but
    Mother of 3 beautiful girls, and expecting baby number 4 in July

    Elisabeth ~ 9/25/07
    Eliana ~ 1/08/09
    Elivia ~ 1/22/12 ~ EBF

    with all 3 still

  8. #28

    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*sugarfoot289 View Post
    I guess I will do whatever I feel is right for my baby. I think it will probably be easiest with them if I take it one day at a time instead of trying to convince them to change their minds It's just hard to not talk to them about every part of it, but
    Very few of us started out completely comfortable with the idea of nursing a child over a year old, two years old, three, four... But when you take it one day at a time, you find that there never does come a point where one day it's okay that she's nursing and the next day she's suddenly too old for it. That may help your family's views gradually change, as they get used to however things are right now.

    My husband was one who went from "If they're old enough to ask for it they're too old to be nursing" to "Don't you think he's getting a little old for that?" to, years later, asking a cranky child "Do you want to nurse? Huh? Want to nurse?" in the hopes of calming him down, with me having to break the news that the little guy had weaned quite some time ago so the magic cure-all was no longer available.

    I was going to suggest finding an LLL meeting, but I see you already did. Great! It might really help to see that you're not alone in the choices you're making and hear how other people deal with family pressures.
    Last edited by @llli*LLLKaren; June 11th, 2012 at 06:26 AM.
    Karen
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  9. #29
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    Default Re: Thinking ahead...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*sugarfoot289 View Post
    It's just hard to not talk to them about every part of it, but
    All families have subjects that they just have to skim over. I don't talk politics with my mom or her family. I don't talk about evolution with my aunties. I don't talk about drug policy with my cousin the prosecutor. I don't talk about religion with my dad. It's not that I don't have strong opinions- very strong opinions! - on those subjects. It's just that I know we will all be happier if we just avoid them. There's still so much we have in common, and we can enjoy all of those subjects, and have full and meaningful relationships while tacitly agreeing to disagree about them. Breastfeeding may have to be that way for you and your family. It's kind of a bummer when it's so meaningful to you, but on the other hand if you just go on raising your child the way you see fit and your child turns out beautifully, maybe those around you will come around to your point of view.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

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