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Thread: Quit or keep trying ?

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,984

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    Being able to nourish my child with my milk was EXTREMELY important to me. Although breastfeeding was very hard for me at first - extremely hard at times - it meant a LOT to me. My husband didn't always "get" why it was so incredibly important to me, but he saw that it was important, and he wanted me to feel good about it, and his support was invaluable.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  2. #22

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*djs.mom View Post
    I really appreciate that you are here looking for support for you family, however I want to gently caution you to REALLY REALLY respect your wife's feelings and instinct around wanting to breastfeed. Her feelings are instinctual. We are first and foremost MAMMALS. There is something very very primal about being able to feed our children the way that nature intended for us to. Women who stop even of their own free will often feel depressed and grieve. And there are larger incidents of PPD associated with sudden or abrupt weaning. I think that saying "we have two healthy babies" as if that is all that matters really minimizes how important breastfeeding is. To both your wife and your children. So please please continue to support her in any and every way that you can. Even when it makes no sense to you. Even if it's not what you consider to be important. I can't tell you how many women I have seen fail as a result of their partner not being supportive. And how devastating that is. So again I am really really glad you are here but please allow her to lead the way. And believe us when we tell you it CAN BE done. If that is what she wants to work towards, be encouraging. Tell her She can do it! Because she can! My cousin exclusively breastfed her twins with her DH's support. They self weaned at 3. No formula ever. Delivered at 33 weeks. She needs to decide if that is what she wants to work towards. It is overwhelming for everyone in the beginning because all you do is feed. It's DEFINITELY going to be like that with 2 babies. And the babies will always empty the breast better than the pump. But even if she chooses to combo feed, she gets to feel great about what she is providing your children.
    Hi,

    I read this post a couple of times before replying. I think if I read between the lines you are saying two things; I might be pushy and basically b/f is no real problem (if your cousin can do it then everyone can).

    It might be worth reading my earlier posts, the twins could/can not latch and we had an inappropriate pump (big problems that we need & needed help/guidance with). We had some excellent guidance from other posters and it looks like we are pumping now until we can sort out latching. My wifes relief cannot be measured at this progress and her mental state is really improving.

    Believe me, any guy who comes on here is absolutely desperate for help (and I suspect any guy who comes on here is doing so descreetly, the forum is probably not a typically male arena). We certainly have the early warning signs of PND here and the difficulties we had in the early days of failing to express seemed to be driving PND.

    I'm not trying to guide or steer my wife in any way, I'm just trying to help and coming on here was a huge benefit. Maybe just have a quick re-read of your post in relation to my request for help. It would be a shame to ruin the thread so I'll back away.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Shakedown St.
    Posts
    1,176

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    The early weeks are frustrating, and I had a single full term latching newborn. I remember feeling so rejected and angry and sad at times when he would scream at the breast. My husbands support helped get me through all of it. And in your wife's situation, I can't even imagine how I would feel! So I totally understand the concerns over PND. Your support is wonderful, and so crucial in all of this!

    I think that both of you being able to see the positives in all of this is great. Your wife is seeing progress with the pump and your babies are getting breast milk! That's fantastic! And there is still hope that they will latch! It is hard, but it can happen as they get a little bit bigger and stronger. You two are amazing for sticking it out and perservering. And having a loving and supportive husband makes all the difference in the world!
    K. Sophia - Mama to my little lactivore, the amazing Mr. X (11/10).

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,984

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    I don't think you sound pushy, at all. We were just trying to say - when you say your wife was very depressed at not being able to express milk, we understand how your wife feels! Most of us are on this forum because breastfeeding was NOT easy peasy for us - it it was, we wouldn't have needed to come here in the first place. By the same token, though, it was also very important to us. So we get it.

    We're here for you to help you support your wife!


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,405

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*irishlad View Post
    Hi,

    I read this post a couple of times before replying. I think if I read between the lines you are saying two things; I might be pushy and basically b/f is no real problem (if your cousin can do it then everyone can).

    It might be worth reading my earlier posts, the twins could/can not latch and we had an inappropriate pump (big problems that we need & needed help/guidance with). We had some excellent guidance from other posters and it looks like we are pumping now until we can sort out latching. My wifes relief cannot be measured at this progress and her mental state is really improving.

    Believe me, any guy who comes on here is absolutely desperate for help (and I suspect any guy who comes on here is doing so descreetly, the forum is probably not a typically male arena). We certainly have the early warning signs of PND here and the difficulties we had in the early days of failing to express seemed to be driving PND.

    I'm not trying to guide or steer my wife in any way, I'm just trying to help and coming on here was a huge benefit. Maybe just have a quick re-read of your post in relation to my request for help. It would be a shame to ruin the thread so I'll back away.
    Hi. Don't try to read between the lines in terms of what I wrote. I say exactly what I mean. So there is no need to try to figure out what I mean that I did NOT say. I was responding to your last post and that is why I quoted it in my response. And to the 2nd paragraph specifically.
    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*irishlad View Post
    This has really been a help to my wifes mental state.

    I really hope anyone who is/was in my situation has this outcome and I really hope people can see beyond the 'fail to b/f' = 'fail to mother' trap. We were able to pay out easily for the big pump and pay for the consultant. We have 2 perfect twin daughters and the b/f issue almost ruined everything for my my wife, I feel really lucky that this seemed to work out and I fear that regardless of my support, my wife would have really struggled mentally with failing to b/f.
    Here you are speaking about a Fail to Breastfeed =Fail to mother "Trap". There is no trap. It's important to us instinctually because that feeling, that need has kept our species going for centuries. It is our mothering instincts running full throttle. And I said nothing about you being pushy. But breastfeeding working out is very rarely about luck. It's about doing the work. And I KNOW it's not easy. I was on the couch in my PJs doing NOTHING BUT FEEDING for more than month just like every one else here. I told you about my cousin not because I think that makes it easy but so you know it's possible. And I know I am not the only one here who knows someone with twins who has done it. And if I speak up and then Susan speaks up and then two more mother chime in and two mothers who have done it then you would know that it's not a pipe dream or next to impossible. Which OFTEN the people at hospitals lead parents of multiples to believe.
    I commended you for coming here and I still do! And I have been following the thread since the beginning so I know where you started and I see the progress being made and am very very happy for your family!

    Way too lazy for formula

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    10,440

    Default Re: Quit or keep trying ?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*joe.s.mom View Post
    I don't think you sound pushy, at all. We were just trying to say - when you say your wife was very depressed at not being able to express milk, we understand how your wife feels! Most of us are on this forum because breastfeeding was NOT easy peasy for us - it it was, we wouldn't have needed to come here in the first place. By the same token, though, it was also very important to us. So we get it.

    We're here for you to help you support your wife!
    We are all here because we had problems breastfeeding. And it is something so instinctual that failure was not an option, so we found other like-minded moms (and a few dads). I think what we are all saying is that breastfeeding success for a mom who wants to breastfeed is a big deal, and difficultly is going to make a mom feel bad. But too often people think they are being supporting by telling her it's too hard and she should quit, instead of helping her. You aren't making that mistake, as you are trying to help her, but we see it too often to not say something like what Shelly said, because for a mom who wants to BF and then is suggested she not because she is running into difficulties, it's often the start of or worsening of PPD. Because for many of us failing to breastfeed is part of failing to mother since it is that important for us. It's not a trap. It what we are instinctually wanting to do and what we know is right.

    Anyhow, I things you are on the right track. But put away thoughts of "we have healthy babies so it's OK," and replace them with thoughts of "We have healthy babies and let's do everything possible to keep them that way by getting them to the breast."

    EPing in itself can be depressing. I went through PPD just from that with my fourth child. So keep working at putting them there and finishing every feeding with some "nursing" to remind them that that is the goal
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

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