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Thread: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

  1. #61
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    19,889

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    with auderey. Your family is not being supportive, and what is worse, they are actively undermining your chances of success. Time for you to assert yourself.

    If MIL comes over to squeeze baby's tummy, pick baby up and calmly say "Please do not squeeze her tummy."

    If MIL or DH go to the fridge for a bottle of breastmilk, tell them to put it back where it came from. You will not use it.

    Often the best thing to do when confronted with a grabby grandma/daddy/other family member is to keep baby on you at all times. Wear baby in a sling- it's much harder for people to take baby from your arms than it is from a crib, and people are often a little less likely to grab/touch baby when that means invading your personal space. I also suggest feeding baby from the breast as much as possible. If someone shows up with a bottle, don't let them use it. Just stick your breast into baby's mouth and then look up and say "I will let you know when she is done".

    I know that in some cultures it is very normal for mom or MIL to stay with the new family for 6-12 months after the birth of a baby. My Chinese neighbors' moms/MILs always do. And as one of my Chinese friends says, "I like it when my mom comes. My mother-in-law, not so much". But it's not like my friend can just kick her MIL out of the house and send her back to Guangzhou- it's just culturally unacceptable. My point being that if you CAN kick your MIL out of your house- let her know that you appreciated her help but now you're ready to do it all on your own- it might be a really good idea if you DID kick her out.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  2. #62
    Join Date
    May 2012
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    20

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    So sorry mama! I had Mastitis the 2nd week...it was not fun. Right now my little one isn't getting enough milk from me so I supplement but I breast feed him 1st, then feed him pumped milk (I pump after every feed) and then if need be I give him formula. That has made life a lot easier, though the feeds last a long time. I know our little guy is getting a good amount of breast milk and he's eating enough with supplementing. Maybe you can do a combo?

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,984

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    Sorry you're dealing with this!! Awful!!!! I agree, sometimes you have to just say, let's agree to disagree, now back off.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  4. #64
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    3,318

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    I don't have any advice to add about nursing, but wanted to offer support in what sounds like a nightmare of a situation with your family. When I saw that your husband said his mother is perfectly capable of raising your daughter, my immediate thought was WHY would she need to? Your daughter has parents for that! I hope you figure out something that makes it easier, both as far as nursing and family.

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    74

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    I got so upset typing this last post... I was crying in my room and even though I cleaned my face before walking out... DH/MIL could tell I was visibly upset about something. I tried to be polite, but DH said my entire face was pale white for the entire morning. MIL got really worried and upset and wouldn't speak to me the entire day. She's been tiptoeing around me and I had the luxury of EB the entire day.

    During lunch, when it was just DH and I - I tried to explain my fustrations; I'm tired and having lumpy breasts were not something I intentionally wanted. Yes - I wanted to breastfeed the baby, but that was because it was good for her health and I had plenty of breastmilk. MIL lives with us, so I can't just kick her out. DH said these were all my choices and if I was this miserable, I should quit. He said: "I never once forced you to breastfeed. You are the one who bring this hardship upon yourself and I am so tired of hearing you complain everyday and nag about every little thing. It is your choice to breastfeed and if you are unhappy then you should quit."

    When I told him I just wanted a bit of support and encouragement to get past this "phase"... he said he couldn't take it anymore. He has to work 12+ hours everyday to a nagging supervisor and when he comes home, all he hears is my anger and nonstop complaints towards his mother (whom is just trying to help out).

    Don't get me wrong - MIL is truly godsent and helps out as much as she can... but in this case, she is being too helpful...and it's actually backfiring and causing more trouble for me (plugged ducts lead to red lumpy breasts... then eventually Mastitis and possibly abscess)! The family doesn't understand how terrified I am to get surgery again. I'm not asking to EB everyday/all day long (because I have work as well)... but when I AM around the baby, it would really help my plugged ducts if the baby breastfed. Heck - she can even be fed a bottle AFTER I breastfeed her... but right now, it's this vicious cycle of being fed before I could breastfeed her... or constantly being told "You can't provide enough for the baby. You need to quit/stop breastfeeding."'

    After awhile, I'm just worn out ya know?
    Proud of Baby

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    middle of IA
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    1,885

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    mama, this isn't even about breastfeeding anymore, it's about your husband being actively rude and undermining of your preferences. of course you're worn out - they are using you as a doormat. i'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but if you don't stand up for your needs (YES NEEDS) then they will keep doing this about everything else in your life.

    it doesn't sound to me - admittedly an outsider - like your MIL is trying to "help". it sounds like she is trying to be the mom. and she is not the mom. and it sounds like your DH is kind of wanting her to be the mom, and that is just as inappropriate.

    i totally agree wiht mommal's suggestions - when you are home, baby is ON you. and you nurse. that's it. baby should sleep next to you (in bed or in a sidecar or a separate crib, but however it is - next to you). that will cut down on a lot of your problems because your MIL just won't have acccess to baby.

    and maybe it's too much to confront DH and win, so in the end what you're going to get is a "compromise" where you're in control of hte baby while you're home and MIL gets to do what she wants when you're at work with bottles or formulas or whatever. but it's not actually a "compromise" because it's just you asserting control over what you can and then giving up on how MIL interacts iwth your baby. and baby will be fine, you know? but YOU need to be fine, too.
    DS1 6/7/11
    DS2 10/29/13

    Nursing, pumping, cloth-diapering, babywearing, working professor mama with the awesomest SAHD ever.

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    3,318

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*AUDEREY View Post
    mama, this isn't even about breastfeeding anymore, it's about your husband being actively rude and undermining of your preferences. of course you're worn out - they are using you as a doormat. i'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but if you don't stand up for your needs (YES NEEDS) then they will keep doing this about everything else in your life.

    it doesn't sound to me - admittedly an outsider - like your MIL is trying to "help". it sounds like she is trying to be the mom. and she is not the mom. and it sounds like your DH is kind of wanting her to be the mom, and that is just as inappropriate.

    i totally agree wiht mommal's suggestions - when you are home, baby is ON you. and you nurse. that's it. baby should sleep next to you (in bed or in a sidecar or a separate crib, but however it is - next to you). that will cut down on a lot of your problems because your MIL just won't have acccess to baby.

    and maybe it's too much to confront DH and win, so in the end what you're going to get is a "compromise" where you're in control of hte baby while you're home and MIL gets to do what she wants when you're at work with bottles or formulas or whatever. but it's not actually a "compromise" because it's just you asserting control over what you can and then giving up on how MIL interacts iwth your baby. and baby will be fine, you know? but YOU need to be fine, too.
    She doesn't get to decide where/when/what your baby eats unless you let her; this isn't something she's going to back down about, so it sounds like you're going to have to assert yourself. It's only partly (and a very small part) about breastfeeding; it's more about setting a precedent in terms of who's going to make decisions about your daughter in the long term.
    Last edited by @llli*mumtothomas; June 2nd, 2012 at 09:49 PM.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
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    6,564

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    I am so angry for you reading your posts mama. For one, I can't understand why on earth you even HAVE formula in your house?? WHY? How is it that your mother in law is able to feed your baby FORMULA at 5 am when you are in the house? Where does your baby sleep? Why are you not the one responding to your baby at night? Perhaps I am missing something.

    If I were in your position, I would tell my MIL that this is MY ****ING BABY. And she BETTER BACK THE **** OFF. I can't believe how angry I am reading this and thinking about it. I am sorry. You are in a tough spot there. But if you can't get your husband and your MIL on board with the way you want to feed your infant - imagine where this is going to go in the future? Oh - you didn't want her ears pierced? Well, I thought it looked cute. Oh - you don't want me to hit your child for discipline? Well, that's the way I've always done it. Oh - you didn't want me to give your child two cupcakes right before dinner? Well, she wanted them. AARGH.

    Mama - you need to take back your house!
    Tracie

    Mommy to
    Lilah 10/08 nursed 25 months
    Beatrix 01/11 nursed 30 months

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
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    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    I think you need to be firm with both your husband and your MIL here. If that means complaining to us about your breastfeeding problems rather than them, that's fine for now. Obviously, they're using your prior complaints to undermine your desire to breastfeed (they probably mean well, but they've gone over the line here). I would just steel yourself and say, "I know you want to help. I want to breastfeed. It's not open to discussion, okay? Here's how you can help me: When I am home, I feed the baby. No ifs, ands, or buts. If I'm around, I feed the baby. You're not helping me by offering the baby a bottle. So I need you to stop that."

    I know you've been pretty beat up by this whole experience but I think at this point you're being overly babied by MIL and DH. They think they know better than you do, and they're doing what they think is right, rather than listening to you. The best way to reassert your authority is not to freak out, but just be really, really clear. Establish ground rules that everyone can understand, and then DO NOT WAVER. Come back to us if you need a safe place to complain about breastfeeding. At least for now, your home is not that place.

    While I didn't have to deal with anything quite this severe, I think your experience here is not that uncommon, and a lot of DHs, seeing that their wives are suffering while trying to breastfeed, will start to undermine breastfeeding with the best intentions, because they want their wives to get a break, you know? So we all have to be clear that breastfeeding may be challenging, but it is something we REALLY want, and the people around us have to respect that.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  10. #70
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    SoCal
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    6,467

    Default Re: Have Mastitis: Really need support & encouragement

    JoMo I agree to an extent ( moreso with tracie), but I don't think her DH is sad to see her hurting, I think his reaction is way out of bounds. I mean really, you worked a 12 hour day? Well buck up buttercup, cuz I'm working consecutive 24 hour shifts and my body is healing from childbirth and crazy sickness.

    You have the right to be supported by your husband, he is the father and the best thing he can do for his baby is to support baby's mother! Like immediately and in perpetuity! I think this is a little slice of life with MIL and it needs to end by laying down the law, these people don't seem to respond to subtle.
    Mommy to Maxwell 10-9-07 weaned with love (a party and a remote control monster truck) on his 4th birthday
    My Boy 3-16-10
    And my sweet pea Sam 2-12-11

    Watch Your Language

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