Sorry, this is my really rambling way of writing when I'm super anxious.
So, I have always known that I have to go back to work, but I'm really upset about it. We have been over all of the other options and it just doesn't work any other way. I was on leave for 10 weeks and will be going back part time for 2 weeks on Monday then full time following that. I am lucky to have a work environment that is very supportive of pumping at work and my shared office (shared with 2 others) has a bathroom I can pump in. Also, my DH will be home with her for 2 months then she will be with her Grammy's.
Even with the initial 2 weeks of part time, the supportive environment and knowing she will be with people who love her I am freaking out! I don't want to leave her for even a little while never mind for 9 hours every weekday. There are many logistical things that I could be worried about such as will I be able to pump enough, will she take the bottle (has only taken 1/2 oz so far), will she have nipple confusion or start to prefer the bottle and so on, but I can't even get that far because I am just so horrified that I have to leave her. I know that there are millions of well adjusted people out there whose mothers went back to work, but knowing that doesn't seem to help. I want her to have the best of everything and I know that her needs are best met when I can breastfeed her on demand and maintain the connection throughout the day, everyday. I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle being away from her every day.
I always knew that becoming a parent would change how I think about things, but I didn't know how much it would change me. I always took pride in my work, worked hard to get my masters so I could do the work I love and now I could care less. I'm sure it will get easier, but it is so hard to handle right now. This is just such an important time in her life. My DH is great, but men aren't made with the proper equipment.
Okay, better stop now. I guess I needed to vent.