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Thread: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understanding

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
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    5,767

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    My husband had no problem with me nursing past one year, but around the 2.5 year mark he started getting a tad uncomfortable & we had to have some conversations! All I can suggest is that this is different from when a stranger or even another family member objects or questions your choices. As the co-parent who is (hopefully) equally invested in the overall health and wellness of your child, dad deserves the respect to have his concerns listened to and talked over. Conversely, he will hopefully give mom the respect to listen to her views. And also to consider things from the child's point of view, which can usually be inferred if not articulated.

    We have to remember that, unfortunately, due to widespread formula feeding and other factors, in many parts of the world, nursing past a year, or even past 3 months(!) is not the norm. Or rather I should say, is no longer the norm, as, prior to formula, it was the norm in many cultures. (And of course still is in some.) We learn about parenting from not only our own parents but from our peers, from the media, from what we see around us. And in many parts of the world, we have been a formula feeding culture for several generations and that has taken its toll on not only how we feed our children but how we view our children, not to mention, how we view breasts!

    So I think your husband's concerns, (whatever they are) while, in my opinion, are likely scientifically unfounded, are also certainly understandable given that, just like all of us, he lives in a culture that generally views breasts as primarily sexual organs, a culture that is thus uncomfortable with breastfeeding in general, and a culture that is particularly dismissive if not hostile, and frankly, a bit weird, about nursing past the age a child can walk (or talk, or "ask for it" or whatever the supposed deadline is.)

    Also many dads have more personal concerns about it-perhaps they feel that mom nursing the child is interfering with the couple’s ability to be intimate. It would really help to know specifically what his concerns are so you can address those respectfully.

    I know that for moms nursing into toddlerhood, having a community of moms who are also nursing that long & can hold up a positive mirror of the experience for each other makes a big difference in their feeling empowered to go against the tide. So I would suggest looking around for some type of parenting group you both could attend that has a positive attitude toward extended -I mean, normal length nursing. Maybe you have a local LLL group with a couples meeting, or an Attachment Parenting International Group?

    If you are like most other couples this will not be the last time you disagree on a parenting issue. It can be so very difficult to talk about these things calmly where emotions are high. So learning how to listen to each other and discuss the issues with mutual respect and kindness, and also to know when something is important enough to you that you will make a stand, and when you will compromise, will serve you and your children well.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    8,018

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    , mama! I don't have time for all I'd like to say, just want you to know I have so been there. DH was a huge pain when I decided to nurse DD1 past age 1 but I stuck with it and continued to communicate. That was in September 2006. She went on to nurse 3 more years and I nursed DD2 3 yrs 9 mos. DH is now a raging lactivist!
    So don't lose hope!

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    52

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    Hi everyone!

    Thank you so much mommas for all your feedback! This definitely helps. You each brought up such good points. As some of the first few PP mentioned, about just dropping or changing the subject, that is what I had been doing when he brought it up. I would give him a reason or two (based on science) & then I would stop myself from continuing & he wouldn't ask again until a few weeks/months. The reason I would stop myself is because I'm so passionate about breastfeeding, I could feel myself getting "fired up"...and I didn't want it to turn into an "argument". (frustration would set in because I wish I could share ALL my breastfeeding knowledge thru osmosis...then he would clearly see my view).
    But now that DS is one, he is bringing it up more...which is why I came here

    He has definitely been very supportive and extremely helpful, especially in the beginning when I had some struggles. He used to come to the IBCLC appointments with me/DS & he learned along with me. Even though he has been supportive, I also definitely agree with LLL leader lllmeg, that his uneasiness about the 1 yr mark comes from the not very breastfeeding-friendly culture we live in. I also agree that it may be other additional concerns such as intimacy.

    I really don't think that is has anything to do with him not trusting me or him being controlling. In fact, in a way, he follows my lead in most parenting issues. (don't get me wrong, there are some we don't agree on). But he acknowledges & appreciates all the time & effort I put into learning, reading, involving myself with like-minded moms, etc. I'm the one that has dived into everything parenting related, ie. I attend LLL mtgs twice a month, mommy & me classes/parenting, baby-wearing, read books, discovered I was attachment parenting....etc. I'm a SAHM right now so Im able to do all this, while he works. I share with him important things I learn & he trusts me & asks questions to further understand. Which is what he did last time he brought up nursing, he said "educate me, how wiil he wean?"

    So, after reading all your posts and thinking about this further, what I think is due here, is a calm discussion...to find out what truly are his concerns, and also for him to listen to my views.
    I am definitely going to give him the links mommal shared here, before we talk. (I've actually read those myself but I dont know that I would've found those so specific to what I need him to read). Thx for those!

    I am definitely making a stand on this issue though. It is one that I feel compromise is not due. I know it is the best for my DS...and hopefully after our talk, DH will agree. And if his concern is what others think of me nursing our toddler, then hopefully he will overcome this for the sake of our son.

    Thx so much. I feel so much better about this.
    And thx for the hope as well. It's always great to hear you're not an outsider. (I was starting to think I had a "weirdo" hubby...lol)

    Thx!!
    Last edited by @llli*lovinmommyhood; March 8th, 2012 at 02:00 AM.
    Mercedes

    1st time mommy to lil D 2/19/11

    LOVE

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    4,007

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    I'm glad you're feeling better about it! You definitely don't have a weirdo hubby I think you have a good plan. Get to the root of his uncomfortableness. Find out what exactly his issues are with it and go from there. Relationships are give and take but sometimes there isn't room for compromise. That doesn't mean you have to say "hey mister, it's my way or no way!" as that may not go over well... but saying: "this is very important to me and I've researched it. I'm not going to change my mind but I would like to talk about why you don't think it's a good idea. It's important for me that we are in agreement on this."

    Keep us posted mama!

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*magnoliahoney View Post
    sorry to offend any one, I'm not a psychologist, just another mother talking from my own experience. I think we all are allowed to make our mates aware when they cross lines that we don't want them to. For me, if my husband tried to dictate to me when to wean our children, I would make it clear that was a line he couldn't cross with me...cause that is my choice. The OP is wondering how to deal with her husband....I am saying my own situation, again she didn't go to psychologist for the answer but just other moms. I'm just a mom...and that's how I would deal with it.
    I think when mothers asks for support they are looking for support for their situation, not a situation they aren't in. No one expects you to be a psychologist, but offering a scenario that doesn't exist for the original poster doesn't really help It's great that you found a partner who meshes so well with you and your ideals, but each relationship is different and each person holds certain characteristics in higher regard. Some people value the fact that their dh wants to be involved in the breastfeeding decision-making process. To each their own, right? Providing mother-to-mother support is about offering our own situations as well as advice that mothers can use in their situations. I appreciate that my dh wants to be involved in the breastfeeding relationship. Does he understand that it's my body and my call? Absolutely. Did he always? No. He had concerns and we addressed them so that he was included in the process instead of being dictated to. There are decisions that I'm not willing to negotiate. That doesn't mean that I wont TALK about them and try to help my dh understand my view. If he can understand than I get support. Saying: "Sorry dude, not your call" wouldn't really get me support.... although I have certainly said this if I have tried to explain something and it falls on deaf ears
    ~Jenn~


    mother of 2 boys!
    08/14/98~~03/20/08

    Birth: 7lbs 12oz, 1 year: 22lbs 11oz
    until he self-weaned 4 days before his third birthday ... still on occasion ... and happily

    ************************************************** ************************************************** *****************
    People need to understand that when they're deciding between breastmilk and formula, they're not deciding between Coke and Pepsi.... They're choosing between a live, pure substance and a dead substance made with the cheapest oils available. ~Chele Marmet

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    783

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    Sounds like a great a plan! KUP!
    SAHM to all my boys

    Wyatt 2/23/99
    Isaiah 7/11/00
    Hunter 2/9/10- made it through our dairy allergy!
    and loving from afar, my DSS Kaleb 3/30/97

  6. #26
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    59

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    I try to include my husband in all decisions. I expect him to help with the kids and so I feel like he should be included in all things that effect them. Hopefully getting some more information to him will help, OP Good luck!
    Proud mom of two boys!

    DS1- born 1/10/03
    and
    DS2- born 3/8/11


  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    419

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    Sounds like a good plan, maybe you could also start hanging out with him, with other breastfeeding mom's that may make it easier for him too.

    ~Heather~
    Wife to
    Vincent since 2001
    SAHMommy to
    Lela 2006 EPed 2 1/2 Years
    ~Donavon & Jeremy~ 2009
    Belle 2010 Nursed over a year
    Raphael 2011 Nursing like a champ
    Raphael & Hubs

    My Blog
    ~Heather's Prairie~

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    419

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    Last edited by @llli*magnoliahoney; March 8th, 2012 at 03:47 PM.

    ~Heather~
    Wife to
    Vincent since 2001
    SAHMommy to
    Lela 2006 EPed 2 1/2 Years
    ~Donavon & Jeremy~ 2009
    Belle 2010 Nursed over a year
    Raphael 2011 Nursing like a champ
    Raphael & Hubs

    My Blog
    ~Heather's Prairie~

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    54

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    Hi Mama,

    I feel for you. I feel your pain.

    My husband tried to this to me too.. he wanted us to try CIO. He wanted to have my DD sleep in her own room ... he didnt want her sleeping in our own room... or our bed..

    Its hard, I'm sorry.. if your husband is anything like mine.. (i love my husband) but i am the mother. Its my job to take care of the baby.. I know whats best for her!!! We had alot of arguments / bad ones.. you may have seen my question about CIO and husband issues or something.. But i decided i needed to do what was right for my baby. If he couldnt understand because of his own selfish reasons then it was upto me. And i told him if he let her CIO then he had to decide whether he wants to be with me or not cos im not gona let it happen.

    Anywho now our baby not only sleeps in our room, her crib is in our room, she sleeps in our bed, she bf during the day when we are out, anywhere... and he doesnt say much. He is a scientist and so he needs stats... (i dont know why his own wife's comments arent enough!!!!) so i bombard him. And i dont give up. Its alot sometimes but im taking care of my baby.

    I know he loves her but he is a man and he doesnt understand. I wish men would let the mothers be mothers. Just let us take care of our babies because we know best.

    Just dont give up ok mama.. You have so much support on here.. you can send me a message any time.. if you just need to rant or something.. but everyone on here is just so supportive...

    Also i read some other comments on here that mothers made. My husband and i made all other decisions together. This was just something i couldnt compromise on. It went against my instincts... But parenting is about joint decisions and partners working together. HE is a fantastic father, who is crazy about his baby too.. There are some things i just know better about because i am her mother, and i do alot of research. And in my gut certain things just feel right.

    Good luck and just send him info if thats what he needs...

    Last edited by @llli*hyperfish; March 8th, 2012 at 05:31 PM.

  10. #30

    Default Re: Nursing past 1 yr, DH not understand

    I was approaching this same "time period" when my DH decided to read "Primal Living", by the author who also writes to Mark's Daily Apple. The whole website / culture is about returning to less industrialized times in regards to food, and even parenting!

    After 18 mos of no encouragement he was like WOW! Great job nursing James for so long! just because his macho "mentor" said it was good to nurse well past two.

    So, really it might just need to come from a source who's not you, who he looks up to.
    Carmen-Noel mum to James born naturally 8/28/2010.
    Mommy's little pumpkin head


    We love our amber necklace from @llli*expat-mum. PM her for the most beautiful effective teething aide we've found!

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