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Thread: Support needed :(

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    West Salem, Ohio

    Exclamation Support needed :(

    Sometimes I find myself feeling as if I'm being selfish because I'm refusing to give my 5week old daughter bottles My mom keeps making comments about it and my husband makes comments about giving her a bottle if I don't go faster in the shower or stuff like that.

    I had really thought that I would be fully supported while breastfeeding. But I find my biggest supporters to be my 3 and 4 year old. Who I also feel guilty about because I'm either working on the house or feeding their sister. Or if I don't work on the house my husband makes me feel bad for not having cleaned up, leaving it for him to do when he gets home

    I haven't yet been able to fall into a pattern and I'm a mother to 3 but this is my first time breastfeeding, and nobody around me has breastfed either. Sometimes I feel very alone

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2012

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    As far as your husband, he needs to lay off and help you around the house. I SAH and have three kiddos myself and dh and I have discussed this. My job is to be a mom. Not a maid. Yes, I try to keep the house tidy as much as I can when I'm home just like I'd keep my desk or work area clean if I worked in an office, but there is still other cleaning to be done. That's a job we split and right now, that falls on him more bc we do have a demanding new nursling.

    I don't have any bfing advice but I'm in the same boat - I bf my daughter and son each for a month but then called it quits for a variety of problems. This time I'm at home and I want to make it work so aly, so it's like I'm bfing for the first time. (((hugs mama)))
    Joanie, SAH Mama to Rose (3 yo), Elijah (1 yo) and Teddy (born 2/18/12)

  3. #3

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Hi, congrats for choosing to breastfeed this baby. I didn't know how to do it with my firstborn, and that makes me sad. I learned my lesson and I breast feed my second child almost 3 years because I read a lot and got help from LLL.
    In you case, I think the following will help:
    1. DO NOT, let anyone, including your mom and your husband, interfere with the way you want to feed your baby, and breast feeding is the best way.
    2. Your husband needs to get educated in what is the best for your baby, and how to be a good supporter for you in this full time job of breastfeeding and being a mom of three young ones. try to convince him to read and learn about breast feeding benefits. If you can, go with him to a lactation consultant. He really needs to be educated for you to have peace of mind and do your job as a mom.
    3. Forget about worrying if things at home are done or not, or if your hub's gonna complain or not. He's suppose to "zip it" about things not being done, especially this first month. Please, do not give up on breast feeding your baby. If you do, you,ll regret it.
    4. Get in contact with an LLL leader in your area. you can call these wonderful ladies everyday if you need to.
    5. Be strong! Do what you know is best. God bless!

    I understand what you're going through. i just had my 3rd baby. he's 24 daysold. my husband is doing a much better job this time, but after the first two weeks he got kind of tire doing extra work around the house. finally we had a confrontation and he agreed he was wrong not to sacrifice for a few weeks and to ask from me to run the house as before.

    husbands are there to take over the 1st month. if they don't, they should go through this whole thing to appreciate and have the right perspective and attitude.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    with the PPs. Your mom and your DH need to get over themselves and remember that it's not all about them, it's all about the baby. Their job is to support you so you can care for your newborn.

    Do you keep formula in the house "for an emergency"? If so, I suggest donating it to a food pantry- they can always use it. And if the temptation is removed, your mom and DH may push less for bottles.

    Don't worry about your older children being neglected. The time around the birth of a sibling is turbulent, but in the end the gift of another sibling outweighs any temporary craziness. Can you involve them in baby care? Have them bring you diapers, have them be "in charge" of wipes or pacifiers (if you're using them).

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Southern NM

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Think about this: if you were doing bottles, you would have more time away from your other kiddos, washing bottles, preparing bottles, etc. Yes, right now you probably nurse more often than you would be giving bottles. I also agree with Mommal--if you have any emergency formula, get rid of it. I am sure there is an emergency child shelter in your community that would appreciate it.

    It is hard when people around you make comments that are not supportive of breastfeeding. My FIL, who I love dearly, would make comments about babysitting the kiddos before I had pumped anything for them (I go to work, so all of my kiddos have eventually gotten bottles of BM) about running out and getting formula if needed. Your first job right now is to be a mom, both to your baby and to your older ones. Will it get easier to get everything you want to get done done? Yes, but your baby is still tiny.

    I am Erin--happily married to the nerd of my dreams for 15 years
    High School Science Teacher
    Mother to: Thing 1 9/23/01, bf 15 mo, diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma 1/29/02, officially cancer free for ten years in August 2012
    Thing 2 6/6/05, bf 12 mo, obsessed with dynamite
    Glowworm 2/18/11, bf 15 months and counting

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Would you expect your husband to go to work right after major surgery? When I had my first DD no one told me you were supposed to "rest" for 6 to 8 weeks, or literally risk death! I went home to a 12 flight walk up to my apartment (no elevator). I had to go up and down them to do laundry, go to the store, go to the dr, etc. No one said I shouldn't. Any way, I just had my third, and the hospital sent me home with papers about not doing stairs, and other heavy exercise, etc, or otherwise you risk rupturing your utern wall, and hermorgaing to death! It also had a paper of suggested exercises to do to strengthen the utern wall back up again. Any way, my husband is usually really helpful etc, rarely complains, but I don't know something this time he started complaining about me doing laundry, I showed him the paper about how I wasn't supposed to be doing stairs, let alone did I think I should carry laundry up and down stairs right away...and he laid off, and felt really bad. Did your hospital send you home with such papers, you could show your husband?

    As for your other children, invite them to the bed with you-I find that gives enough room for them to all cuddle around you and not fall off the chair, etc, and read books to them, watch their favorite tv shows, play card games-old maid, crazy 8's, Go Fish, Uno, etc, are all good ones in bed and while nursing, and heck they are little if you don't play it exactly right they usually won't care or notice.

    For me in the kitchen, I have my children's kitchen toys-their play stove/fridge, pots and pans, play food, it's all in a corner of my kitchen. The toddler likes to pretend she's cooking in her stove while I am cooking at the real one! lol The preschooler, likes to help me-she throws the paper away from the cheese, pours the flour into the bowl, etc. Or they sometimes have to play with bubba while mom can't hold him and cook-I put him in his swing, or high chair and they entertain him. lol He LOVES them. lol

    Right now though take it easy, and tell them to back off, like was said get rid of any formula in the house. They are acting really childish, and need to get over it. Soon you will be in a groove and feeling better. I found that about 3 to 4 months PP. I'm at 5 months PP now and feel about normal finally.

    When you do get back to par with housework ect (I'm just now getting there) have your other children help you and use Flylady's methods. I have learned because of listening to flylady's webshow that my kids love her music! lol It's music that is supposed to be inspirational to cleaning. lol I really would of never thought of buying it, but my kids like it so much (I think it's ok, but I like real genres of music better. lol) I have decided to go ahead and buy it, and just play it during cleaning time, to help them feel good while they are helping em clean-do laundry etc. My toddler starts doing this jig every time Flylady's music comes on that is hilarious! lol haha ,So yeah I'm going to get it for them. lol Them being so happy will help make me feel good while cleaning too! lol But, seriously it's too soon for you yet!

    Wife to
    Vincent since 2001
    SAHMommy to
    Lela 2006 EPed 2 1/2 Years
    ~Donavon & Jeremy~ 2009
    Belle 2010 Nursed over a year
    Raphael 2011 Nursing like a champ
    Raphael & Hubs

    My Blog
    ~Heather's Prairie~

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2011

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Hang in there!!!

    I was so surprised by my DH when our LO was born - he is a totally great dad but he was embarrassed when I would breastfeed in front of anyone (not many of our friends BF so he had not been around it much). I kept going and tried to let him know (kindly sometimes and in frustration other times) that I was going to have to face many challenges to BF our child, that it was important to me, and I needed his support. It didn't really work, he was still uncomfortable. But you know what did work? When a guy friend that he really respects spoke up and said to him "oh don't worry you'll get used to it and pretty soon you'll be like why aren't you whipping out your boob yet? it's the best thing! it's free, it's the right temperature, it's always there!" Then a few days later another guy friend was laughing about his wife BF and said "oh yeah, there's not a cab driver in town who hasn't seen my wife's boobs!" Since then my husband has been my biggest supporter and he thinks it's the best thing we could do for our son. I guess hearing it from other guys (instead of me!) made a difference. Go figure.

    You're the mama and you know what's best for your baby. Ask your family members for their support and give them reasons so they understand why it's important. And if they don't fall in line, remember you have a huge support group here and in your neighborhood - wherever in the world there is a nursing mama. And see if you can find some guy friends with wives who BF - and get them to let your DH know how great it is.

    Good luck!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2009

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    sugarfoot289, your title said it all. Suppot needed! In my opinion, more mothers stop breastfeding before they want to due to a lack of support than any other single reason.

    I am glad you found this forum. Lots of support here! What have you found locally? Is there an LLL Group, or a breastfeeding supportive mommy and me type group? Hospitals sponsor those sometimes. Make sure it is breastfeeding supportive or at least that there are other moms who are there who are positive about breastfeeding. Ask around, call your pediatrician or hospital, or look online for those. Local LLL Groups you can find on the front page of this site. Your older kids would usually be entirely welcome at a LLL meeting just call the Leader ahead of time and make sure. Your mom could also attend and some LLL meetings are "dads welcome" as well. You want to make friends with other breastfeeding moms. It makes a tremendous difference!

    As pp suggests, pumping and bottles are way more work, for mom and everyone else. Young babies need to eat very frequently and need to be held and comforted basically constantly, no matter how they are fed. So unnecesary bottles rarely makes sense on any level.

    Don't worry about your older kids. Seeing their sibling loved and cared for so well reassures them they are also loved and cared for. Want to really upset an older sibling? Let the baby cry, and they will beg you to pick the baby up and nurse. Kids get it. Of course there are going to be times they want more of mommy and you will find ways to do that. Of course, many moms who breastfeed also have older kids and somehow we all figure it out and our older kids are fine.

    It may help to understand why your husband and mom want you to give your baby bottles. Presumably they want what is best for you and baby. What are their concerns?

    Here are two very short articles-1 for the dad of the breastfed baby:

    And 1 for the Granparents of a breastfed baby:
    Last edited by @llli*lllmeg; March 3rd, 2012 at 11:44 AM. Reason: for clarity

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2009

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Oh and as far as working on the house-huh? Isn't your mom there? What about other family or friends? Someone could help with what is absolutely neccesary like shopping and food prep and making sure the bathrooms are not about to be reported to the health dept. right? You have a month old baby and 2 preschoolers. Your house is going to be messy. That's life.

    Your house (and your husband) will survive without your constant care, but your kids will not. Don't feel guilty for having your priorites striaght.

    When I felt guilty about the house being a wreck I remembered this poem: http://www.llli.org/docs/00000000000...esdontkeep.pdf

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2011

    Default Re: Support needed :(

    Kuddos for being so dedicated to bf! I only have 1 LO so I have no advice on the other stuff. But I went through the same thing with my husband and mom wanting to give her formula whenever things weren't going perfectly with bfing, which in the first few months when do things go perfectly? I just had to stand my ground even when they asked to give her a bottle while I was showering. I wish I had thought to get rid of the emergency stashes in the pantry. I just wanted to say hang in there and be confident in your decision to bf. It will get better. You are doing what's best for your baby. No guilt!
    Mom to TRH born 2/16/11 - 8lbs 7oz., 21in.

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