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Thread: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

  1. #1

    Default Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    My daughter gave birth to twins almost 2 weeks ago. They all live w us and we're all raising babies together.
    Anyway... she's had some issues w one baby and suck and is using an SNS with that baby at every feed. She's had some cracking and bleeding but that seems to have healed up well. Every now and then she does have some lingering pain, but we reposition and keep on.
    She's not really enamored w breastfeeding but I know a lot of it has to do with her age- 19, her pain levels- she had a section and is still recovering from that, her exhaustion- she has twins! I want to continue to encourage her but I don't want to be pushy or make her feel like I'm forcing her to bf her babies.
    One baby is smaller than the other and is very sleepy, so she nurses a lot! I know that's wearing on her too.
    Any advice?
    Thanks so much!

    April
    "Mom" to: Mika (19), Madelyene (15), Audrey and Addison (10)
    "Sweetie" to: Poppy and Paisley (fresh out of the oven)
    We are all Slipping into Sanity

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    19,889

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    Just keep telling her what a fantastic job she's doing. If she complains, take her complaint, rephrase it, and tell her you understand and that she's doing an amazing job. (Her: "Mom, I am so exhausted! I don't know if I can do this!" You: "Oh sweetie, I can see how tired you are. But I am so proud of you. Because even though you are so tired and overwhelmed, you ARE doing it! You're awesome for working so hard and giving your babies the best!" You, for the bonus 50 points: "Now let me make you a cup of tea and you put your feet up.")

    Would she like to join the forum? Sometimes it's easier to accept advice from a stranger than it is to take it from your own mom. Especially at 19, when you're still struggling to be an independent person. I bet it's pretty hard for your daughter right now to be dependent on you just when she thought she'd be spreading her wings. And probably pretty hard for you, too, to be supporting a new family when you were expecting a little break from being the pillar of strength!
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    381

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    I had twins last April. What helped me:
    my brestfriend for twins pillow - a lifesaver
    Nurse babies simultaneously, even if only one is cueing to eat. Nursing 2 babies 12 times a day is much easier than nursing 1 baby 24 times a day (averages)
    Help with laundry, cleaning, cooking
    Allow your daughter to rest
    Bring baby/babies to her for feeding and take them away after for diaper changes/cuddling/naps
    I would encourage your daughter to nurse in the most comfortable room-may be bedroom or living room. Have plenty of water and snacks and entertainment nearby.
    Nursing 2 babies in the football position is the way to go, I still do that and my girls are 10 months.
    Ensuring your daughter does not feel uncomfortable to nurse around family/visitors
    Limiting visitors for awhile
    Continued support, without pushing.
    Nursing in the beginning is the hardest. It does get better. I used to work very hard on my girls latches, and make sure everything was lined up, mouths open, nipple sandwich. As they grew, it became so much easier, and now they latch themself.
    Encourage her to do the best she can, which may be 100% breastmilk or a combination with formula. I worked for 100% breastmilk and made it about 3 weeks, then I started supplementing. I provide my girls about 75% of the their intake and formula does the rest. And for that I am proud of myself. Every drop counts even if it's not 100%.
    Your daughter should also learn to breastfeed laying down (in a safe place where baby won't fall off bed). I would nurse simultaneously during the day, and then overnight I would nurse laying down whoever woke up. That allowed my girls to establish their own sleep routines.
    Encourage your daughter to come on here for advice!
    Full time working Mom to 3, DH is my hero as a SAHD:
    DS July'09, nursed for 12 weeks
    DD1 & DD2 April'11, tandem nursed for 16 months

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    381

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    Another thing to add-having twins is a lot of work and it may feel hard for her to give each baby attention. One of the reasons I am still nursing is because I feel like it connects me with my girls, even though I nurse them together I still feel like it's 1:1 time. and it makes me sit down and focus on them, rather than everything else in life.
    Full time working Mom to 3, DH is my hero as a SAHD:
    DS July'09, nursed for 12 weeks
    DD1 & DD2 April'11, tandem nursed for 16 months

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    45

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    My LLL Leader told me this before I even had gone to the first meeting. Set short term goals: I'm going to breastfeed for 6 weeks and then re-evaluate; I'm going to BF to 3 months, and it gets easier. I didn't think I could do it (7 months and my goal has changed from 1 yr to 14 months!), but DD and I are still going strong. But I agree with mommal, have her join the forum--even still I find myself 'verifying' what family has told me through strangers on forums or through non-biased parties (peers in college or at work). Something else you could do is remind her of all the benefits of breastfeeding--especially the lazy factor ("yes, it's hard now, but at least you don't and won't have to prepare and wash bottles constantly!"). Good luck and tell her that the women on LLLI forums are rooting for her!

  6. #6

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    Congrats on your dear grandbabies!

    I agree with mommal, it may be helpful for your daughter to get some support from a peer group. If there is a LLL group reasonably nearby, that would be a great place for her to go and get "non-pushy" support, and you would be welcome to attend as well to help with baby juggling, or she could bring a friend. You could call a local Leader, sometimes grandmas call me and ask me to call their daughter who is having breastfeeding concerns, which I will do if Grandma is sure the mom wants some help but perhaps is feeling shy about reaching out. Some Leaders prefer if mom calls them. There are twin support groups too, but they are not always breastfeeding supportive.

    The book Mothering Multiples is an excellent resource for nursing multiples, as is the authors website: http://www.karengromada.com/

    I never had twins but I have had two c-sections and recovery can be quite difficult, physically and phychologically. It's hard to love anything about life when you are dealing with the various difficult, painful and sometimes embarrassing aspects of recovery from abdominal surgery. Plus if she still needs heavy pain meds particularly narcotics those can cause mood issues and you don't even realize it's the meds. So add that on top of the usual aspects of new motherhood times two, and this is going to be an overwhelming time for anyone, and all I can say is it DOES get better, pretty quickly, in most cases. Your daughter needs your love and support but may also need some space to sort through her feelings.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Milwaukee
    Posts
    49

    Default Re: Need to encourage w/o being pushy

    First of all, thank you for being supportive and helping her!!! My lo is 5 weeks now and I struggle breastfeeding him---more with just how time consuming it is, so I can't even imagine how your daughter feels... She's barely gotten to be herself and now she has two lil ones that she probably feels are attached to her at all times. The best thing I found for me is when I get really tired, I sleep in bed and my bf watches the baby and just brings him to me when he's hungry and takes him away when I am done so I can continue sleeping. It provides me some sanity in somewhat giving me some me time. It may help her transition from being just her to her plus two.

    Encourage her to seek out a support group online like this... And she can good tips from moms in her position. And feel that she can ask questions or rant more comfortably---sometimes it's hard to bring every question to our moms because it's too personal and close to home.

    I never shy away from, "you're such a great mom" it's just kind of a boost, that let's me know I can do it even if I feel that i'mstruggling.
    Can't stop smiling because my lil Miguel is just so amazing! Since 1/29/12 my heart is no longer my own!

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