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Thread: Is it normal for me to feel this way???

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
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    429

    Default Is it normal for me to feel this way???

    I wasn't sure where to post this. But I have a guilty question and I know you ladies won't judge me.

    So A1 is 3 years old now and A2 is 5.5 months. And right now most of the time I feel much more attached to A2. I feel much more bonded with her and closer to her. Is this normal? I feel so guilty. I adore A1 and love her more than anything but I just feel closer to A2. I'm sure part of that comes from BFing A2. I BF A1 of course but am not anymore. I feel like a horrid mother for feeling this way...
    Melissa

    Young SAHM of
    Afton (A1) (1/24/09) and
    Autumn (A2) (8/29/11)

    Sealed in the SLC Temple

    and and now CDing!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    TX
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    2,197

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    I really think it's normal. Part of it comes from breastfeeding, probably, but it also depends on the ages and temperaments of the kids. We all (I assume) LOVE our kids fiercely and without equal. But connection is so dependent on other things, and may or may not be consistent. I know that I phase in and out of a sense of connection with my loved ones. I don't ever love them less. Anyway. Not sure how to put this eloquently. But I have definitely felt the same things as you are describing.
    Teal

    25 May 96 and 14 January 08 and 27 February 2012

  3. #3
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    Nov 2008
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    Ontario, Canada
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    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    I think Teal said it well. Connection is different from love. When you breastfeed you spend a lot of time together, eye contact, skin-to-skin, etc. You're simply spending more time connecting with A2 than A1 these days.

    As well your 5.5 month old needs you much more than your 3 year old. At 3, your daughter is much more independent than your baby is. Not that she doesn't need you as well, but no where near to the same extent as the baby. Plus I'm sure your DH is taking a much bigger role with A1 while your time is dominated by A2.

    I make a point of trying to schedule some 1-on-1 time with DD1. A trip to the store, some time colouring together, having her help me make dinner, something - anything! It helps us to reconnect. I get to rediscover how funny she is, how sweet she is, how smart she is, how much I love her. I haven't forgotten, but the reminder is always welcome.
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    Limbo
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    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    I completely agree with PPs. Also, I have thought about the same thing, and spoken with friends at length about the topic. A lot of us said attachment was more smooth with the second baby than with the first. I think it's partially because we already identify ourselves as "Mom" so it's not an identity shift at the same time as bonding. I remember being surprised by how quickly I attached to DD2 - not because the attachment wasn't there with DD1, because it was and my love for her, for them both is fierce. But the connection has been different. And at different times I find myself more connected to DD1 now. I do think it has to do with the type of nurturing they need at that moment, because the more I make time to cuddle with DD1 or if she gets sick and needs lots and lots of nurture I find the connection stronger again. Hope that makes sense. Nope, you're not alone. And I think the differentiation between connection and love is an important one.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    419

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    It's also a chemical reaction you can't really control as well, it's the hormones your body produce while you nurse are bonding ones. So you can't really help it, your bond will always be there with A1 though too, and it will be stronger again soon. Just make sure to have plenty of cuddles for a1 too! ;o)

    ~Heather~
    Wife to
    Vincent since 2001
    SAHMommy to
    Lela 2006 EPed 2 1/2 Years
    ~Donavon & Jeremy~ 2009
    Belle 2010 Nursed over a year
    Raphael 2011 Nursing like a champ
    Raphael & Hubs

    My Blog
    ~Heather's Prairie~

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    21,355

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*aphimama View Post
    A lot of us said attachment was more smooth with the second baby than with the first. I think it's partially because we already identify ourselves as "Mom" so it's not an identity shift at the same time as bonding. I remember being surprised by how quickly I attached to DD2 - not because the attachment wasn't there with DD1, because it was and my love for her, for them both is fierce.


    I also think it's a lot easier to enjoy a baby than it is to enjoy an older child. My toddler- her needs are simple and easily met. When she cries, she is generally really sad or hurt. Not so with my almost 6 year-old! Her needs are elaborate, she whines, she demands, she shirks. She's all drama, all day long! Of course, she also makes me valentines that say "I love my Mommy" and says "You are my best love" when I tuck her in at night. It's a relationship that has wonderful rewards and intense challenges at the same time.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    10,440

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mommal View Post


    I also think it's a lot easier to enjoy a baby than it is to enjoy an older child. My toddler- her needs are simple and easily met. When she cries, she is generally really sad or hurt. Not so with my almost 6 year-old! Her needs are elaborate, she whines, she demands, she shirks. She's all drama, all day long! Of course, she also makes me valentines that say "I love my Mommy" and says "You are my best love" when I tuck her in at night. It's a relationship that has wonderful rewards and intense challenges at the same time.
    My older kids sometimes make it difficult to love them. Fighting. Arguing with me. Making messes. But then they have their cute moments.

    It works out. I can't say that I love child #3 more than child #1 or #2 now. But most of my attention is on #4. And I know it won't be like this forever
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    429

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    Thank you everyone! It really helps to hear all this. And it all makes sense. Thank you!
    Melissa

    Young SAHM of
    Afton (A1) (1/24/09) and
    Autumn (A2) (8/29/11)

    Sealed in the SLC Temple

    and and now CDing!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    51

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    I will be honest. My impatient, dramatic, 4 year old son is driving me INSANE! I am crazy about him, but he also drives me crazy at the same time. He was a really hard and fussy baby/toddler. He also nursed constantly. He is still fussy and needy. Since my husband travels for work a lot I have logged way too much overtime with him as well.
    My 3 month old smiles more, baby talks, coos, feeds like a champ. He also sleeps better then my first born, so I can't help but feel a little favoritism.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    429

    Default Re: Is it normal for me to feel this way

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*jenanay View Post
    I will be honest. My impatient, dramatic, 4 year old son is driving me INSANE! I am crazy about him, but he also drives me crazy at the same time. He was a really hard and fussy baby/toddler. He also nursed constantly. He is still fussy and needy. Since my husband travels for work a lot I have logged way too much overtime with him as well.
    My 3 month old smiles more, baby talks, coos, feeds like a champ. He also sleeps better then my first born, so I can't help but feel a little favoritism.
    I totally understand
    Melissa

    Young SAHM of
    Afton (A1) (1/24/09) and
    Autumn (A2) (8/29/11)

    Sealed in the SLC Temple

    and and now CDing!

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