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Thread: Mom is not supportive

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Default Mom is not supportive

    Hi,

    My ds is 2 yrs and 8 mos old. He nurses for naps and bedtime. My mom just recently asked my sister if I was still "doing that" and that "it's gross" if she still is. My sister basically lied and said she doesn't know, but doesn't think I am. (my mom lives in FL and I'm in PA). Anyway, she is coming to visit and I need some supportive comments to say to her, if the question comes up. I only see my mom about once every 3 months and I don't want negative comments to be made on either side. Thanks for any comments.

    Lisa

  2. #2
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    Jan 2006
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    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    my mil is like that too...
    My mom just told my dd who is 2 1/2 when she stops having me-me's at night she can spend the night at her house

    anyways.. I have already told my mil, "You had your kids let me raise mine"
    she sasys that we are mean and that we are to strict. I expect them to eat what ever is cooked and not complain. Like the last time we were over she had sloppy joes and she asked all the kids if they wanted hot dogs instead..and I said will they can eat the sloppy joes. And then she cooked the hot dogs anyways. Oh well. My kids all ate the sloppy joes and my 4 year old wanted a hot dog with sloppy joes on top
    it just great!
    you could also say I think that he will wean soon when he is ready

  3. #3
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    Feb 2006
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    1,168

    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    That's such a sad thing, to be dreading some aspect of your mother's visit because you know she has a negative opinion about something that is so important to you.

    I lost my mother when I was very young, so I don't know much about adult mother/daughter relationships. I think in your shoes, I would take one of two approaches:

    1) Don't ask, don't tell. If he is only nursing for naps and bedtime, then you go to the bedroom, shut the door, and nurse him in private. All she needs to know is that you need to lie down with him while he falls asleep. If she asks outright if you are still nursing, respond with a neutral non-answer: "That's an interesting question; why do you ask?" And then smile and nod while she badmouths extended nursing. As soon as you can, change the subject; don't get sucked into conversation about it even in the abstract. She gets to air her opinions without your divulging any personal information.

    2) Be upfront but focus not on the nursing or your reasons for doing it, but on the impact of her vocal disapproval on your own relationship with her. "Yes, we're still nursing and DS and I are both very happy with it. When you criticize me for doing this, it makes me feel hurt and angry. I want us to enjoy our time together; I need you to accept this part of my mothering and stop making comments (or whatever) about it."

    In the very unlikely scenario that she approaches you with a clear and respectful request for more information about nursing a toddler (not the thinly-veiled scorn of a question like "Why on earth would any mother want to nurse a _2yo_???") -- then and only then might you consider trying to educate her. I would talk about how his immune system still needs the antibodies in your breastmilk, how the essential fatty acids are so good for his developing brain, and how easy it is to soothe him when he's having a "toddler moment" or is resisting sleep. If you've had the experience of nursing him through an illness, when your breastmilk kept him hydrated and comforted, then talk about how grateful you are for that aspect of nursing a toddler. You could also mention that 2-year-olds mostly do still nurse in other cultures, and that as a species we probably aren't meant to wean completely until around the age of 4 years.

    In general, I would just try to keep in mind that it isn't your job to conform to your mother's expectations, nor is it your duty to educate her about anything. Your duty is to your son's well-being, and as such you have no need to defend yourself to anyone over this. Projecting confidence (even if you don't really feel it) will do a lot to avoid upsetting conversations with her.

    --Rebecca

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    Charleston SC
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    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    Great advice Rebbecca ! My mom is supportive of beast feeding but not so supportive of NIP. I have had to tell her gently on more than one occasion that I really felt strongly about meeting ds's needs in and out of the house.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    863

    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    I would agree with Rebecca (always such good advice!!!). My MIL made a comment to dh the other day asking "How much longer is she going to bf him? I would think a year would be enough!" Ugh! She's coming in may for his b-day and I'm not looking forward to a confrontation then, much less at 2 years (when I expect to still be nursing). I think I, too, will heed Rebecca's advice. You aren't alone, but I know that doesn't make it easier when you want to really enjoy your time with mom. Good luck!
    Kristie L.
    LLL Leader
    (the poster formerly known as fezzik812)
    Wife to Brett, Mommy to Seamus (5.1.05), and Emelie (1.18.08)
    "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."- Ghandi

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    80

    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    You all are not alone! My mil always says is he still bf? My mom thinks NIP is gross. I've been feeling the pressure, but I just hop on LLL every night and get re-encouraged. We are right!! Our children need us, and bf is a natural, beautiful thing. Someone on here said Jesus was bf, and that sticks in my mind. We'll make it through! (I say this to encourage you all- and remind myself!) I just keep thinking that pretty soon my ds will not want to bf , and then I won't have to put up with the criticism. "This too shall pass"
    mom to a wonderful son: 7/5/05
    and beautiful little daughter: 1/17/08
    7lb 11oz at birth
    14.0 on 3/25/08!!
    17.0 on 4/26/08
    newly tandem nursing, born-again mama



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    12

    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    You can also try two other approaches. One is the infamous bean dip approach.. When it's brought up answer simply Yes, would you like some bean dip? (Or chips, or a drink... whatever works for you). You can also simply tell her that it's a topic not up for discussion. (And of course you can combine the two.) Depends on how your relationship with your mom is. My dad tried to criticize my decision to be bfing after 2 yrs and I went over WHO recommendations, the benefits of EN, and how it's up to my dd to wean. He tried to argue that WHO recommendations were only for 3rd world countries (eyeroll) so I sent him a bunch of link in his email and haven't heard a word since. lol. Is she the type to just drop it or will she try to persuade you you're wrong?

    Mel

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    239

    Default Re: Mom is not supportive

    My dad was just here and I was kind of worried since DD is 3years 2months old. I kind of started out with the "don't ask don't tell" but as the week went on it was kind of hard to dodge dd. She developed ear infections so wanted to nurse at times during the day, basically every time I sat down. Dad never blinked. We have never discussed nursing outright but he is the father of 12 bf and more grandchildren than I can remember. The only problems we have had in our extended family were for the two children who were bottled. One had allergic reaction so severe to formula had to be admitted to PICU.
    In hindsight it was not anything to be worried about. It may be different with your mom but I would try to keep a positive focus. She may have had a chance to think things over a bit too since talking to your sister.

    momuvseven

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