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Thread: What do I say?

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    with christine. if it were me and i could afford it, i would look for a different dcp. there is nothing more important than raising your baby in the best way possible. these first months and years are crucial and we don't get a do-over. plus you are going through a lot of effort to pump, it seems a bit inconsiderate to disregard your effort and time pumping. perhaps a different dcp might also be good for your relationship with your mom, in addition to giving you peace of mind.
    march 2011... the light of my life

    i love my little one

  2. #32
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*miniwo View Post
    I am so frustrated and almost in tears over this whole thing! My mom told me last night that me BF is frustrating because of the way she has to feed my DD. I'm starting to wonder if I need to find someone else. Even my DH doesn't really care if i BF or not. His response to anything related is "its up to you". I crunched numbers and I use about 28 bags a week pumping at work and once on the weekend. That adds up to a lot quickly in my book. My mom seemed very put out at my suggestion to give her what i pump at work because...well, I don't know why but when I asked if that would work or be easier for her, she said "its whatever is easier for you" and I'm not the one feeding her a bottle! I do not want to end BF but I'm at a loss. I cannot please my mom, DH feels like he can't help out and he gets sad when DD wants me over him and i don't know what to do!

    Sorry this turned into me venting/on the verge of tears.
    I don't think you need to find another DCP....I think you need to take a stand. This post makes it seem like you are a little ambivilent about the whole thing. And my question to you is WHY? If you KNOW that what you are doing is what is best for your child if you KNOW that while pumping is a lot of work but you do it because it's what best...then WHY is she making you so uncomfortable? You need to take a real stand as this child's mother. What your mother said is right. IT IS whatever works best for you. And leaving your fresh milk there would be easier and BEST for both you and your child. She would have to heat bottles and take them with her or NOT take them with her regardless of what's in them. And Seriously that is just her trying to control you and the situation. And that is obvious from here. It may have to do with the fact that she fed you formula and being faced with your breastmilk makes her uncomfortable. For any number of reasons. Because it is a bodily fluid, because she is faced every day with the fact that your choice is a healthier one and better for your baby....that happens A LOT with grandmothers. Their daughters growing up and making different parenting choices than they did makes them feel threatened somehow. But you know what? That is her problem not yours. And you know what else, her issues do NOT and should NOT supercede your CHILD's right to breastmilk. The difference between formula and breastmilk isn't like choosing between to brands of milk or soda at the store. Formula has it's place. But it is NEVER the best choice when a child has mother and that mother can and is producing milk. And your baby has that. The idea that you would even CONSIDER using formula because of how SHE feels is very very troubling to me and it's speaks very loudly to a dynamic in your relationship that you will need to step out of for your own child. Because YOU are her mother. And you need to protect her. And your breastmilk does that. Every second of every day. And if you can pump every day so that your precious child can HAVE breastmilk, than you mother can warm the isht up. And seriously if it's fresh milk, we are talking about running it under a faucet for 1 minute. Or putting it in a cup if hot water for a minute. She gave you an opening. Even if what you heard was NO. She said "it's whatever is easiest for you." So today when you pick your child up leave your milk. And very matter of factly tell her how to heat it. And then do that from now on. Date the bottles. And if there is frozen milk there (you left a weeks worth this morning right?) just leave them in the freezer. And tell her anything you bring fresh can be left in the fridge thru Friday. And next time it comes up look your mother square in her eyes and tell her "This is what is best for my child. Formula is not an option." And if she ARGUES with you talk about the AAP reccommendation which is two years now I think and the WHO. I am sorry you are feeling all alone in this. But sometimes a mother's journey IS a lonely one. But so what. What difficult road wouldn't you walk to give your child the best beginning possible? To stack the odds in her favor in terms of good health? Don't let your mother or ANYONE ELSE undermine that.
    Keep us posted.

    Way too lazy for formula

  3. #33
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    I think I would talk to your Mom. Tell her that this is very important to you and the health of your baby. That her comments and attitude towards your BFing and lack of support have gone so far as to you considering going to another DCP if she doesn't change her tune. This commitment to BFing is THAT important to you, that you would do that. Maybe if she realizes how her attitude is affecting you and making you consider other options, she'll smarten up. If not, then you have your answer and it's time to switch.
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

  4. #34
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amysmom View Post
    I think I would talk to your Mom. Tell her that this is very important to you and the health of your baby. That her comments and attitude towards your BFing and lack of support have gone so far as to you considering going to another DCP if she doesn't change her tune. This commitment to BFing is THAT important to you, that you would do that. Maybe if she realizes how her attitude is affecting you and making you consider other options, she'll smarten up. If not, then you have your answer and it's time to switch.
    Just being super broke myself these days and understanding how nice it is to have a DCP who is family and not super expensive, I would suggest trying to take a firm stand with your mom first. Say, maybe you can agree to disagree, but you are breastfeeding, that is NOT GOING TO CHANGE, she needs to learn to live with it, done done done. It's not a subject of debate or even conversation anymore. "Mom, I really appreciate what you're doing for me here, and I know you speak from love. However, I am 100% committed to continuing to breastfeed, so your comments on that score are discouraging to me, and also, completely pointless if you are trying to change my mind. So can we just talk about other things? If you can't take care of DD because of this, well, that would sadden me, but I understand. But if it's just an annoyance to you (I can't understand why it's any harder, but I'm trying to see this from your point of view), I wish you would keep your peace and make the best of it." Give her credit for her opinions, but make it clear this is not up for discussion.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  5. #35
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    I disagree with Amysmom. I don't think walking your mother into an ultimatum and putting yourself into a position where you have to spend extra money that you may not have or add to your stress of having to deal with stranger is going to help this situation at all. I could be wrong. Maybe you are paying your mom? And you wouldn't be stressed finding a non-family member to do it? But I know my mom's help was invaluable to me as it was FREE and I TRUSTED her to LOVE my baby Like I did. So if she is already uncomfortable and you feel like you NEED her support I think threatening ultimatum is a bad first choice. I think you really can take a stand here with your mother. And I think that ultimately lots of women go through this with their mothers. Over this very thing. You want her to support you. I think in order for that to happen she has to respect your decision.

    Way too lazy for formula

  6. #36
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    Where they keep it weird
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*djs.mom View Post
    I don't think you need to find another DCP....I think you need to take a stand. This post makes it seem like you are a little ambivilent about the whole thing. And my question to you is WHY? If you KNOW that what you are doing is what is best for your child if you KNOW that while pumping is a lot of work but you do it because it's what best...then WHY is she making you so uncomfortable? You need to take a real stand as this child's mother. What your mother said is right. IT IS whatever works best for you. And leaving your fresh milk there would be easier and BEST for both you and your child. She would have to heat bottles and take them with her or NOT take them with her regardless of what's in them. And Seriously that is just her trying to control you and the situation. And that is obvious from here. It may have to do with the fact that she fed you formula and being faced with your breastmilk makes her uncomfortable. For any number of reasons. Because it is a bodily fluid, because she is faced every day with the fact that your choice is a healthier one and better for your baby....that happens A LOT with grandmothers. Their daughters growing up and making different parenting choices than they did makes them feel threatened somehow. But you know what? That is her problem not yours. And you know what else, her issues do NOT and should NOT supercede your CHILD's right to breastmilk. The difference between formula and breastmilk isn't like choosing between to brands of milk or soda at the store. Formula has it's place. But it is NEVER the best choice when a child has mother and that mother can and is producing milk. And your baby has that. The idea that you would even CONSIDER using formula because of how SHE feels is very very troubling to me and it's speaks very loudly to a dynamic in your relationship that you will need to step out of for your own child. Because YOU are her mother. And you need to protect her. And your breastmilk does that. Every second of every day. And if you can pump every day so that your precious child can HAVE breastmilk, than you mother can warm the isht up. And seriously if it's fresh milk, we are talking about running it under a faucet for 1 minute. Or putting it in a cup if hot water for a minute. She gave you an opening. Even if what you heard was NO. She said "it's whatever is easiest for you." So today when you pick your child up leave your milk. And very matter of factly tell her how to heat it. And then do that from now on. Date the bottles. And if there is frozen milk there (you left a weeks worth this morning right?) just leave them in the freezer. And tell her anything you bring fresh can be left in the fridge thru Friday. And next time it comes up look your mother square in her eyes and tell her "This is what is best for my child. Formula is not an option." And if she ARGUES with you talk about the AAP reccommendation which is two years now I think and the WHO. I am sorry you are feeling all alone in this. But sometimes a mother's journey IS a lonely one. But so what. What difficult road wouldn't you walk to give your child the best beginning possible? To stack the odds in her favor in terms of good health? Don't let your mother or ANYONE ELSE undermine that.
    Keep us posted.
    I am Lea (middle name)
    Mama to Dominic born on 3/23/09
    Wife to G 4/27/07
    We're blessed to have been for 3 years and counting! Proud to with our squirmy worm

    "My home is not a place, it is people."
    -Lois McMaster Bujold

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
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    Cleveland, OH
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    485

    Default Re: What do I say?

    IMO, you shouldn't be asking you mother what she thinks about bottles, you should simply be TELLING her how it is going to be. And I don't mean in a sassy sort of way (despite what my user name suggests). If you want control, then take it. Prep the bottles the night before and tell her how often to feed the baby. Done.

    If you start using fresh/refrigerated milk rather than frozen then the going out issue is solved and shouldn't be brought up again. If it is, then remind her that a solution was already found. Done.

    I wouldn't bring up anything about how breastmilk is healthier than formula or try to explain why you choose to pump. It is your choice and that should be good enough.

    ETA: I think djs.mom said a lot of this already, but I cannot read a long paragraph on a computer screen without going cross-eyed.
    Last edited by @llli*sassypants; December 5th, 2011 at 12:23 PM.
    My little man was born 12/17/2010.

    Baby girl was born 4/30/2014.

  8. #38
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    Nov 2008
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    The reason I posted what I did was because it could be that her Mom doesn't realize how damaging and hurtful her comments / actions are. Take it as an ultimatum or not - her MOM is threatening her BFing relationship and her parenting decisions. She doesn't have to verbalize it to make the threat.

    Either way OP, it's up to you. You know your Mom best and how she'll react to what approaches. Some Mom's will be shocked when they hear that their actions are hurting us because they honestly feel that they're "helping". Other Mom's will take it personally and get angry that you're not more appreciative of their "help". Other Mom's need articles or even a phone call to the doctor / pediatrician in order to hear it from an authority figure. Either way, she needs to know that your decisions are your own and your own to make.

    This is only the first of may Momma-battles that you'll have. So if you're choosing this battle, make sure you win it as it will set the precedent for future ones as well.
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    10,440

    Default Re: What do I say?

    I would see if baby doesn't need it heated. Then she doesnt have to mess with it. Drop a cooler with an ice pack and your milk off in the AM and pick it all back up that night. If she wants to go somewhere, she can just take the cooler along and feed baby. When baby wants to eat, she takes milk out of the cooler. It will be fine in the cooler all day if it was fresh pumped yesterday.

    How is fresh harder for her than frozen? I hate dealing with frozen myself. It takes like 5 minutes to thaw under running water. Meanwhile, baby is crying
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  10. #40
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    Nov 2008
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    Default Re: What do I say?

    Question: Have you watched her handle your milk and fill a bottle with it? I mean, we here would think it would be normal, but maybe she has an 'ick' factor with handling human milk? Maybe it's a comfort level thing? Maybe you need to leave your fresh milk in bottles for her, so there's no handling of the milk directly? Just trying to find you both a happy medium ground....
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

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