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Thread: Attachment issues!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
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    88

    Default Attachment issues!

    THis is likely just a vent. But it would be nice if there were any other mammas that could relate or offer advice!

    My son is just over 8 weeks old and I am having to spend more time at work. When I started back to work at 6 weeks, I was mostly sticking around the house and just going in for meetings and such, but it turns out that I just don't get enough done. The main reason is that my little bean always wants to be with me (which is wonderful unless I need to work!).

    When I am at work, my DH cares for him. He is really struggling with him this week. He doesn't want the bottle, although he has taken it when desperation seems to take over. But the biggest issue is that he screams and screams bloody murder for hours on and off. I feel so bad for both of them. My DH is so patient with him, but I can tell he is heartbroken from my LO not wanting to be with him ever. My LO will be screaming bloody murder and once I get him he stops immediately, wll regain his composure (sometimes this takes a bit) and then even smile and coo at me. My poor DH will just shrug and say it adds insult to injury.

    My LO is so young still, and I keep hearing things will get better once we hit that 12 week mark...but I am so worried. I hate the thought of my LO screaming for hours on end, and I fear for my DH's sanity too.

    Has anyone experienced this when they have gone back to work? I can't even imagine if he was in daycare...I don't know how anyone not related would have any patience whatsoever with him. I feel SO guilty leaving every day. It is breaking my heart.
    EBFing, CDing, BWing, co-sleeping mamma to Bennett (9/5/11).
    Excited to be a BM donor through Indiana Mothers Milk Bank (http://www.immb.org/).

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    10,440

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    My third child didn't like Daddy. He was born -- I caught him -- and a few minutes later, I handed him to DH, where he started screaming. I took him back, and he was quiet. That went on for the first 14 months of his life. He SCREAMED when anyone else other than Mommy held him. I ended up taking 4-5 months off work. It wasn't pretty when I did go back to work for a couple weeks. But he did get to where he would let someone else look after him without screaming.

    DH once said, "I just want to hold my kid without him crying." I felt so bad.

    It will get better. It might not be at 12 weeks, but it will get better.

    That kid is now all about Daddy. He won't let me do anything for him if Daddy is around.

    My first kid cried so much that I had to quit my job. I couldn't have left him with anyone -- he cried nonstop when he was with me anyway....I couldn't face the idea of someone putting him in a crib and walking away and leaving him there to cry, which is probably what any sane, non-blood-related human would have done with that kid. So I totally understand your feeling of what would happen if he was in daycare.
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    88

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    Oh man, I hope it doesn't go on for 14 months! My poor DH will just go insane...

    I hope that if I am gone (and force myself to come into the office and out of the house) that my LO will get used to the idea of dad taking care of him. I know that my DH did have to put him in his crib yesterday and let him scream there for a bit. He holds him and tries to soothe him for hours on end, when nothing works and he is at his wits end, he let him cry for a bit on his own. Makes me so sad, but of course DH needs a break from that too and I don't blame him one bit.

    I keep reminding my DH that it won't be long before I am chop liver, when they start to play with all kinds of things that mamma isn't in to. He says he knows. Ugh, poor guy...
    EBFing, CDing, BWing, co-sleeping mamma to Bennett (9/5/11).
    Excited to be a BM donor through Indiana Mothers Milk Bank (http://www.immb.org/).

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    527

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    My 8-month old still sometimes screams when Daddy holds him. He often just wants me. However, as he has gotten older, things definitely have gotten better. DS and DH are able to play together and they do their own fun things. It certainly doesn't replace the need for Mommy, but DS doesn't cry the entire time I'm gone now.

    I hope that things get better for you guys!
    ~ Megan

    Mommy to Alex (born 2/27/11) and Katie (born 3/31/14)

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,984

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    My DH is a SAHD, and there were some rough times in the early months. And even later, he would tolerate Dad taking care of him, but would rush to my arms and refuse to leave when I was home.

    My poor DH put up with this preference with amazing stoicism for a loooong time (luckily, he did recover from the screaming all day thing pretty quickly).

    Now? Payback time has come. It's "No Mama! Daddy help!! DADDY!"


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    88

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    I am glad tohear that it might get better at least while I am gone all day. And that others have experienced this too. It makes me feel like such a bad mother for having to work, so it does help.
    EBFing, CDing, BWing, co-sleeping mamma to Bennett (9/5/11).
    Excited to be a BM donor through Indiana Mothers Milk Bank (http://www.immb.org/).

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    381

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    Has your DH tried different things to soothe baby? Some babies like being held, worn in a carrier, a swing, a bouncer seat, to go for walks.
    I hate to hear my babies cry, it is almost painful for me. My DH does not understand/relate. When I am home I do not let them cry much, while DH lets them. It bothers me sometimes, but I also know that my children are in better care when I am at work so if they have to cry it out sometimes it is still the best option for us.
    Have faith your DH will do all he can to soothe baby. It will get better. DD1 cried all*the*time for the first 2 months and now she is the happy content smiley baby, while DD2 is the demanding*fussy*don't leave me alone in a room baby. It will change and maybe sooner than you think!
    Full time working Mom to 3, DH is my hero as a SAHD:
    DS July'09, nursed for 12 weeks
    DD1 & DD2 April'11, tandem nursed for 16 months

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Where they keep it weird
    Posts
    1,182

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    I think it's totally normal for a mother to feel guilty for leaving their child(ren) with someone else, but you are doing what you have to do mama. You are not a bad mother. Hang in there and remember that this too shall pass. Just take it one day at a time
    I am Lea (middle name)
    Mama to Dominic born on 3/23/09
    Wife to G 4/27/07
    We're blessed to have been for 3 years and counting! Proud to with our squirmy worm

    "My home is not a place, it is people."
    -Lois McMaster Bujold

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    88

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    Thanks for the support.

    Yeah, DH is really good with him. He will be screaming at him and he walks around and talks to him, he babywears him around the house or outside, rocks, swings, pats, you name it. Actually I think he is pretty innovative (I just stick a boob at him and he quiets! lol).

    Yesterday, I came home to a smiling baby! DH said he was good for most of the day and took a bottle "ok". I think it might have been more of a struggle than DH was letting on, but I think he was trying to make me feel better. Regardless my baby was happy when I got home! We will see how today goes.
    EBFing, CDing, BWing, co-sleeping mamma to Bennett (9/5/11).
    Excited to be a BM donor through Indiana Mothers Milk Bank (http://www.immb.org/).

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    381

    Default Re: Attachment issues!

    Just a few more words of support-the first few days/weeks my DH was alone with 3 kids was the roughest, everyone getting used to Mommy being away, taking bottles during the day, and schedules. It will get better. Your DH and son will get into a groove and the bond will become very strong! I saw it happen wtih my DS.
    Full time working Mom to 3, DH is my hero as a SAHD:
    DS July'09, nursed for 12 weeks
    DD1 & DD2 April'11, tandem nursed for 16 months

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