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Thread: Help me help her...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Exclamation Help me help her...

    Hi all! I'm 31w pg with our 3rd child. Nursed DS #2 for 22 mo. My DH's cousin is about 10yrs younger than me (I'm 37) and due about 2w before me. It's her first child.

    At her shower this past wkend, she was saying she's going to try to BF. Her mother tried and her 2nd cousin (my MIL) tried as well, both were told they didn't have enough milk (which I think it probably bogus, they were made to think they didn't have enough). DH's cousin (we'll call her J) has a cousin who she is very close to, like sisters (they're both only children), and this cousin keeps telling J she 'won't be able to do it.'

    J told my MIL that she'd like to talk to me about nursing and tips to succeed. I'm not a LLL leader, by a long shot, but my friends all tell me I should start a chapter in our tiny town since I'm such an advocate. Hee hee!

    So. How can I help her? What can I tell her? How can I help and encourage her w/o making her feel like she's failed if she can't/chooses not to BF? I already plan to direct her towards this website and give her some books to read that are very good! But I sure could use some guidance. Thank you!
    Last edited by @llli*josiewales; October 4th, 2011 at 11:10 AM.
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Where they keep it weird
    Posts
    1,182

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    I think getting her to take a look at (and hopefully join) these forums would be a great start! Also, check to see where the closest LLL meetings in your area are. I hope she listens to her heart and mama intuition on this one.
    I am Lea (middle name)
    Mama to Dominic born on 3/23/09
    Wife to G 4/27/07
    We're blessed to have been for 3 years and counting! Proud to with our squirmy worm

    "My home is not a place, it is people."
    -Lois McMaster Bujold

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,467

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    Tell her that breastfeeding can be harder than giving birth. That it's overwhelming in the beginning. I think the largest problem people face is going into it thinking "Put baby on Tit. Baby sucks. Life goes back to the way it was." When that is NOT it. I think painting a very realistic picture helps. So that they truly know what to expect. People told me it was going to be worse than labor. So when it wasn't I was pleasantly surprised. But if anyone had given me the impression it would be a piece of cake...it would have been different. Telling new mothers that the first 6-12 weeks to expect NOT to leave and pick up where life was before the baby so that they can begin to mentally prepare for that is a good idea I think.

    Way too lazy for formula

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    VERY good advice, djs. Thank you!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    21,271

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    Oh yeah, I think the "breastfeeding is natural but that doesn't mean it's easy" mindset is a very good, very realistic place to start. I mean, all parenting is like that- natural, but not easy, right?

    How about getting her some books, or recommending some to her? "The Nursing Mother's Companion", "The Breastfeeding Cafe" (my personal favorite), "The Baby Book" (Sears & Sears), "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth". I especially recommend the last one- right now breastfeeding is in the upswing and there is more and more knowledge about and support for it, but good childbirth experiences are hard to come by, and a good birth makes breastfeeding a lot easier!
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    8,272

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    Do you live nearby? In addition to the great advice above - it's also super helpful to have a local support system / advocate. Can you hang out together with your babies and nurse together so she sees breastfeeding as "normal"?

    Also perhaps pass on to the cousin's DH some advice about how he can support his wife, especially in the early days of breastfeeding. Would your DH be willing to talk to the other DH? Things like setting up a breastfeeding "station", getting drinks / snacks for his wife while she's breastfeeding, changing expectations of "things getting done" around the house (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc).
    Lynn
    DS1: bf 7/2006 -> 4/2009; multiple food allergies
    DS2: bf 9/2009 -> ???
    ; multiple food allergies
    Breastmilk Donor - http://hmbana.org/index/donatemilk
    Click HERE to learn about baby led solids (BLS) / baby led weaning (BLW)

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    I have "The Nursing Mother's Companion" ready for her, plus a couple more I can't remember the names of, and will recommend the Ina May book! I don't know what she's planning to do other than an epidural. Hopefully that doesn't lead to a CS. I REALLY like what you said about it being natural but not easy, like parenting!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    lsksam, SUCH good thoughts. Thank you! DH and DH's cousin's wife are not close at all, but I know I can instill in her how important it is for him to be involved and support her. I plan to ask her how supportive her DH is of it. To me, that's a HUGE part of the equation.

    And yes, we live nearby! Since our babies are due just a few wks apart, I hope to hang w/her! A little nursing party!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,983

    Default Re: Help me help her...

    I can only speak from my own experience, but while I had lots of problems with breastfeeding in the beginning (and had a good number of BF'ing failure stories in my family and friends), I kept up at it because I had really set my mind to it. I was going to be different. My mother couldn't breastfeed me for a host of reasons, but I would have a different story. The desire to break the "curse" that seemed to plague my mom (who tried to BF three children but ran into every problem) motivated me to push through the hard times. I knew from her example that it might not be easy, but I was just absolutely determined. I would not take no for an answer. Where there is a will there is a way, seriously.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

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