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Thread: Touched out.

  1. #1

    Default Touched out.

    My son is in the only mama will do phase, and I don't mind holding him and nursing him a lot since I work full time. The only problem is that I've been getting so touched out that it's affecting my relationship with my husband. I have a hard time enjoying our time together, and being intimate when I just want to keep my clothes on and have some personal space. He needs physical attention, hugs, kisses, holding, sex to feel loved, but I have to sometimes force myself to meet these needs.

    He's sort of noticed, and I feel bad. It's not him...just touched out. NEED SPACE!

    anyone have any advice?
    Carmen-Noel mum to James born naturally 8/28/2010.
    Mommy's little pumpkin head


    We love our amber necklace from @llli*expat-mum. PM her for the most beautiful effective teething aide we've found!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Southern NM
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    712

    Default Re: Touched out.

    With my husband it helps the more honest I am. Sometimes it helps to simply say to your partner that you need space and it really is entirely about you and not at all about him and how you feel about him.

    I know sometimes I put myself under such pressure that I feel like if I am affectionate at all that means that I have to go all the way. Perhaps give yourself permission to just give small touching--holding hands while on the couch, a quick kiss, etc.

    But, if you haven't already, lay all of this out to your husband. He might have some ideas.
    I am Erin--happily married to the nerd of my dreams for 15 years
    High School Science Teacher
    Mother to: Thing 1 9/23/01, bf 15 mo, diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma 1/29/02, officially cancer free for ten years in August 2012
    Thing 2 6/6/05, bf 12 mo, obsessed with dynamite
    Glowworm 2/18/11, bf 15 months and counting

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
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    17,374

    Default Re: Touched out.

    My advice is keep doing what you are doing. Meet his needs. Remember that in a relationship that you want to last forever your needs are not always going to be the same. So if he is meeting your needs than I think you should work to meet his. It's very common to have your quota for physical intimacy used up by your baby. But as you say most men really equate physical contact and sex with love. And especially after a baby, where a mother is breastfeeding and often there is some degree of co-sleeping it's hard for a man to figure out where he fits in the new family dynamic.
    In the first year of my son's life. I could have happily not had sex at all for the first 6 months. But you know what? That need for men is real. And my DH was meeting MY needs even though they weren't the same as his. He made sure I ate and he made sure I got a couple of showers a week. Different needs. But still met. So I worked consciously to meet his. Now, they couldn't be met ON DEMAND....I didn't have that in me. BUT he was allowed to either tell me in the morning he wanted sex or call my at lunchtime and tell me. That gave me time to wrap my mind around it. Rest. Take a shower. If I was working I might have instituted a "Weekend only" policy. Because then you can still do those thing. Take a nap. Take a shower. Get help. And if you have it set up like that, you have 5 days to wrap your mind around it.
    My other advice to you is use lube. Buy it if you don't have it and expect to use it. Breastfeeding makes things dry. And some of us (ME FOR SURE) really equate being "wet" with being ready to go. And.....yeah it's not really happening. That doesn't mean it's FORCED. It's hormonal. So having lube on hand when you have had time to wrap your mind around doing it can make it actually enjoyable for you even if you didn't want to do it to begin with.
    And Lastly, especially if you DO institute a "weekend only" policy, break out the wine. The idea of Wine on a day when you have had also a nap and a shower may become something you not only look forward to, but something that makes you want to throw your panties on the floor. HTH!
    I am answering this here because it comes up a lot and new posters may also have this question and not want to ask it. But I looked at your Join date and I think you probably meet the requirements for the Relationships and Sexuality Forums. Where we discuss these things all the time. Just and FYI.

    Way too lazy for formula

  4. #4

    Default Re: Touched out.

    Where is that forum? I'd be interested to see if I can join and lurk. As far as need meeting...eeeh- I definitely do a better job of meeting needs, but when his needs aren't met our relationship suffers. When my needs aren't met I just suffer, and try to keep our relationship out of it, otherwise we'd fight most of the time.

    I still quite frequently.. (and so gross I know) end up going days (3-4) without showers because I'm working and then getting food and then cooking and then cleaning and bathing the baby and putting the baby to bed...passing out exhausted and then waking up late, getting the baby ready for daycare, driving to daycare and I'm back to work again.

    But that's an entirely different subject all together. I like the idea of a heads up, and some lube so that I don't feel so uncomfortable when areas aren't performing as they should, and I prepare for the encounter instead of feel like I have to drop everything when he gets handsy.

    Thank you!
    Carmen-Noel mum to James born naturally 8/28/2010.
    Mommy's little pumpkin head


    We love our amber necklace from @llli*expat-mum. PM her for the most beautiful effective teething aide we've found!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    6,467

    Default Re: Touched out.

    its a private forum but you can't lurk...request to join, introduce yourself and join in!!
    Mommy to Maxwell 10-9-07 weaned with love (a party and a remote control monster truck) on his 4th birthday
    My Boy 3-16-10
    And my sweet pea Sam 2-12-11

    Watch Your Language

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
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    17,374

    Default Re: Touched out.

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*carmen.arizona View Post
    Where is that forum? I'd be interested to see if I can join and lurk. As far as need meeting...eeeh- I definitely do a better job of meeting needs, but when his needs aren't met our relationship suffers. When my needs aren't met I just suffer, and try to keep our relationship out of it, otherwise we'd fight most of the time.

    I still quite frequently.. (and so gross I know) end up going days (3-4) without showers because I'm working and then getting food and then cooking and then cleaning and bathing the baby and putting the baby to bed...passing out exhausted and then waking up late, getting the baby ready for daycare, driving to daycare and I'm back to work again.

    But that's an entirely different subject all together. I like the idea of a heads up, and some lube so that I don't feel so uncomfortable when areas aren't performing as they should, and I prepare for the encounter instead of feel like I have to drop everything when he gets handsy.

    Thank you!
    Dude there is no shame in not showering for 5 days at a time. At least I am not ashamed. That is why I said that about the Weekend meet ups. Like on the weekend he can help you. I shower once the day BEFORE my work week begins and the last day. Tues I am off and Sunday I go in late so I have time in the morning. The days of the week that I am dropping him off at school at 8:15 am and have to get him get home eat and have him in bed by 9:30 forget it. No Shame in that at all. And me and my DH are never off on the same days so I can never get a nap and a shower. Lately he comes into the bathroom and does it to me right BEFORE I get in the shower. . Because there is a lock in the bath room door. It's not very romantic but I LOVE that it's right then.

    Way too lazy for formula

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,374

    Default Re: Touched out.

    Yeah sorry no lurking in the R&S forum. You must bear your soul!

    Way too lazy for formula

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    147

    Default Re: Touched out.

    How do you join the R&S Forum? I am going through some similar situations with DH and being touched out, wouldn't mind getting some advice.
    Mirkka

    Mama to DD born September 7, 2010, and DS born October 28, 2012 and Wife to DH July 5, 2008

    We love and love

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,374

    Default Re: Touched out.

    You have to be a member here for 3 months and have made at least 100 posts.

    Way too lazy for formula

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    147

    Default Re: Touched out.

    Once you hit that milestone, what is the next step?
    Mirkka

    Mama to DD born September 7, 2010, and DS born October 28, 2012 and Wife to DH July 5, 2008

    We love and love

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