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Thread: I hate to be rude but....

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Jefferson City, MO

    Default I hate to be rude but....

    My MIL has always been wonderful and not MIL-ish lol! We got pregnant and had our little girl and ever since she was born she has been asking about formula and bottles. I said no bottles for at least a month (I really wanted to do the whole time, but I said one month for sure) and I swear she looked a little faint. EVERY TIME we see her she brings up formula and how long I will be breastfeeding. I am sure she just wants to feed her, but I let her do everything else, I did not think it would be such a big ordeal. Now Savannah is 6 months old and she just can't understand why we are not feeding her food already and why after she starts food we won't be giving her formula. I finially got my husband to tell her , because I tell her the same story everytime...I guess she thinks I will cave. He told her the same things and she still brought it back up. I feel like we are under attack and I am starting to not want her around I feel like if we leave her with her after we are done breastfeeding (another tough spot), she will just do whatever she wants. She is holding her when everyone is eating and saying stuff like oh yeah you want to eat what everyone else is eating don't you. She knows his bothers me and I just do not want to come unglued!!!

    I love my MIL she has always been great and I do not want to change that relationship, but she is making it very difficult.
    Savannah's Mom

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2006

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    Can you speak honestly with her and tell her the comments bother you? Perhaps phrase it in a way that tells her you feel like she doesn't respect or trust your instincts to care for your own child. Perhaps print out some literature and show her why you aren't giving formula or solids. When all else fails you can simply say it's none of her business whenever she brings it up.

    Sound to me like you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter and the outside forces. Try not to let others bring you down.
    If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2008

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    agree with pp. as uncomfortable as it may be, talking about your feelings may be absolutely necessary at this point. let her know, "these conversations make me feel so badly and so uncomfortable". no genuinely caring/loving MIL wants to feel like they're the source of making DIL feel badly. she needs to be told that this is the end result of these conversations.

    educate.. that's all i can say. print out articles for her to read, i.e. "this article from *insert reputable source* explains it so much better than i can", or even "it seems like my explanations about this aren't sufficient for whatever reason (that's the snark in me, lol), so here is some literature for you to read when you have a moment!"

    you're doing things great, mama. and you know that you are. good luck w/ this!
    the best food blog you aren't reading

    i'm beth, mama to:

    lila, 11/6/08, nursed until 2yrs 10 mos, weaned during pregnancy


    max, 2/16/12, my huge new little nursling

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    Time for some honest conversations. Can your DH take the lead? Sometimes a MIL can accept things from her son that she could never accept from her DIL. It might be helpful to hand over some resources so she can read up on breastfeeding. The following might be useful:

    I have a feeling that you are correct that your MIL just wants to take part in the fun of feeding a baby. Especially if she has lots of tender memories of feeding her own kids their bottles. Maybe you could approach it like this: "Mom/MIL, we'd love it if you could give the baby her first solids." (It doesn't have to be her first, but only you and your DH would know that.) "We know that the fact that we don't use bottles and aren't ever planning to do so means that the family is missing out on some baby-feeding fun, so we thought this could be a special way for you to participate."

    ETA: is it possible that she asks about formula and solids because she is concerned about your LO's nutrition? Maybe 30 years ago someone planted a bug in her ear about how babies need formula so they can grow big and strong and healthy, or about how breastmilk turns into water after 6 months- maybe asking your MIL if she has a specific concern would be another avenue for a mind-opening conversation?
    Last edited by @llli*mommal; August 13th, 2011 at 04:39 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2010

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    excellent suggestions already from the pps. just wanted to , I also have a very persistent MIL who would ask the same questions about bottles and solid food every time we saw her. I made sure I was always well read about bfing and solids so I could "convince her" better. Also it helped to say that the pediatrician said things (whether or not they are true...). Such as "I am starting solids at x months and her pediatrician is behind us 100%" or "her pediatrician says her growth is right on target and we should continue as we are doing", etc. For some reason if a doctor backed me up she was more willing to leave it be. I have to say, there will be a point when you just can't do anything else for it and have to ignore it. What has worked for me were statements such as "I know you love your grandaughter, you're such a great granny, but don't worry we got this covered" or simply "Its ok, I'll handle it" Good luck with everything, I really feel your pain!

    It did get better over time because I always stood my ground and never wavered, hopefully your MIL will calm down a bit too with time.
    Can't believe I've been and a full-time SAHM to Elena (5/2010) for over 2 yrs!
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  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2010

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    I would opt for one very special statement.

    "Please do not discuss food or formula with us again. We know how you feel and you know how we feel. It is our decision to introduce these things and your repeated statements are making me uncomfortable."

    p.s. this sounds very MIL-ish to me. You are NOT being rude here. <3
    being a SAHM to DD born 12/09

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2011

    Default Re: I hate to be rude but....

    In my honest opinion, your mil is being very disrespectful about your right to make parenting choices. I have found a couple of phrases very useful. 'That is not up for discussion, did you see the baseball game?' Mil, you made choices you thought were best for your children, I am doing the same, please respect my rights to make these decisions, pass the bread?
    My mil unfortunately is exactly like your mil. I find it very disrespectful. She is questioning your fitness to raise your child. Whether this is intentional or not, she needs to learn that it is unacceptable. You and you husband are adults and your pediatrician doesn't have a problem with it, she shouldn't be concerning herself. There is a dwil (dealing with in laws) board on babycenter.com and they have great advice. They have helped me deal with my mil a lot.
    I know you are trying to be nice, but she is not and she has already ruined your relationship. You need to just tell her you will not be discussing it and change the subject. Good luck, I know how hard it is when we were raised to be respectful.

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