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Thread: Lack of family support

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Utica, New York
    Posts
    9

    Default Lack of family support

    My LO was slow to get back to his birth weight. He was 7 lbs 5 oz at birth and 6 lbs 10 oz at 2 weeks and 6 14 at 4 weeks. Our ped. told me I wasn't making enough milk and needed to limit breastfeeding to 10 mins per side and then supplement by offering a 2 oz bottle after every feeding. She even gave us 2 boxes of pre-made bottles after i told her we had a can of powder formula at home (for emergencies) LO was having plenty of wet diapers and BMs so I was really confused. I knew that pulling him away from the breast without finishing was a bad idea so instead I started offering one 2 oz bottle in the evening when he was extra hungry and didn't seem to be satisfied. I did this for one week and he gained 10 oz! The next week he gained 6 oz! Our ped was not impressed and advised that I needed to start giving him 4-5 oz of formula per day. I was so angry. DH doesn't know much about breastfeeding and weight gain and tells me he is "worried" about our son because I am not giving the extra formula. I am now in the process of switching to a pro-BF doctor. The in laws have even made things worse. They called DH and told him when he was a month old he weighed 11 lbs and he was born 7 lbs. I have heard comments such as, "maybe there isn't enough nutrients in your milk", "is this (slow weight gain) going to affect his development?", MIL even said "he looks anorexic" I cried after that one. FIL recently told me i should wean LO before going back to work he even suggested a good formula. How do I respond nicely to these comments? These people formula fed all their kids and didn't have any weight gain problems so it's as if they think formula is best. LO is 8 weeks old now and weighs 8 lbs 10 oz. He's gaining about 6 oz a week. Would he gain faster if I switched to formula? I used to like the in laws but now I can't stand them. What do I do?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    20,631

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    Welcome and congratulations on the new baby! I'm sorry you've been having a rough go so far. It sounds like he got off to a slow start but that his weight gain is now on track. Some questions for you:
    - was the baby sleepy at the breast or jaundiced?
    - has baby always been weighed on the same scale, and in the nude?
    - what are the baby's diapers like? How many wets/poops per day, and what color are the poops?

    A lack of family support can seriously wound a new mama's feelings and wreck her confidence. I suggest that you tell your husband the following:
    - he is not the only one who is concerned about your baby, and you will do everything necessary to ensure that your baby is healthy.
    - he needs to tell his mommy and daddy that if they have concerns, they can talk to him but they cannot talk to you. You do not need their negativity, even if it comes from a place of concern.

    Formula might make your LO gain faster, or it might not. It depends on what the reason behind your baby's slow start is. If the reason the baby is on the slow side WRT weight gain is because you don't have enough milk, then formula would probably help. But if you are nursing on demand, not on hormonal contraception, not pregnant, the baby isn't sleepy at the breast or jaundiced, the baby is nursing well, and you have no other impediments to generating a normal supply (e.g. thyroid problems, PCOS, retained placenta), then you probably don't have a supply problem. Something else is going on. Maybe reflux? Did the doctor suggest that as a possibility?
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    1,056

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    and

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time w/ your in-laws. It is doubly stressful, since you have a new baby and are probably tired all the time. It is sometimes hard to continue doing what you know to be right in the face of such opposition.

    I feel like some doctors push formula because they don't want someone to turn around and sue them or something. Or maybe they don't know enough about breast-feeding. Or some combination of those and/or other factors.

    I think your switching to a pro-breast feeding doctor is the best and first step you can take here. When he/she says you can stop supplements (which, from what you describe, should be what she says to do), then you can just point to that when your in-laws start in on your case.

    In the meantime, the person you really need to get on board w/ you is your husband. This is YOUR baby, NOT THEIR baby. I would frankly not say anything else to them about it, and if they bring it up, quickly change the subject. End the conversation if they persist. I know they are concerned, but if you are happy and content and your doctor is happy and content, and more importantly, YOUR BABY IS HAPPY AND CONTENT, then they need to back off.

    So, your husband. Part of his problem could be that he has his own parents yapping in his ear, filling him with doubt and guilt. You guys need to break that cycle now. Talk to each other. Read together. Invite him to sign up for the LLL forum and read through it. Show him the kellymom site (I'm thinking specifically about this page:http://www.kellymom.com/babyconcerns...ight-gain.html and this page:http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/enough-milk.html). According to the numbers you report, your baby weighed 6#10 @ 2 weeks, and 8#10 @ 8 weeks. That's 32 ounces in 6 weeks, which is 5.3 ounces per week. If you from 4 weeks to 8 weeks, his gain is 28 oz in 4 weeks, which is 7 ounces per week. That is a plenty.

    Hope this helps. I think the main thing you need to do is 1) see this other doctor ASAP and 2) have an in-depth, heart-to-heart, sit-down, knee-cap-to-knee-cap talk w/ your husband. Please keep us posted!

    (ETA: or, what mommal said )
    Little SW, Aug '09
    Miss MW, Jan '11
    Sir RW, Oct '12
    3 kids in 38 mos

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Utica, New York
    Posts
    9

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    Thank you. LO wasn't sleepy at the breast but would nurse very slowly stopping frequently. This was during the first few weeks. He has about 8 or 9 wet diapers per day and 4 or 5 poops. His poops look brownish yellow. When I wipe his bottom the wipe is yellow. I wish he was more plump but I feel like I am doing all I can do.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    132

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    I'm sorry about your in laws comments. My mil also formula fed and she did finally after several months of making complaints say oh it's just different. Yes bfing is different than ffing and now we just don't talk about it, thank goodness.

    I would tell her don't worry I will feed him one way or another. Weight gain varies by baby...it's not good to compare kids ever.

    Are you able to pump when you supplement? Time consuming but might get your supply up. Don't feel bad about supplementing but definitely find a pedi who supports your choice more to bf. I want to say more but gotta go. Hang in there.
    SAHM to my sweet December baby boy.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Utica, New York
    Posts
    9

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    Well I gave DS 2 oz of formula before bed a couple days ago and I woke up full and leaking. I ended up pumping 2 oz. Since then I just stopped supplementing. I am going to continue to pump 1.5 to 2 oz per day as I will be returning to work in 3 weeks. It's easier for me to pump while he nurses. Do you have any suggestions on how to trigger a let down away from baby? I feel like my breasts are being stubborn, lol. If I am full it's not so difficult but otherwise I am lucky if I get .5 oz. Should I just keep trying to pump more throughout the day and eventually the let downs will happen?
    Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!! I love my baby so much and can't imagine ffing him. No one that I know of in my family has bf'd, that's living. Not even my grandmother. For me it just feels right like I was meant to do this. Love when he's full and stops and looks up at mama and smiles.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    It sounds like things are going well with the baby. Congratulations! I hope they settle down soon with the in-laws.

    I was just wondering if you've seen this information about how breastpump flanges should fit?

    http://lactinv.com/breastfeeding_qna..._breastshields

    When I started pumping (in the hospital) because my first couldn't latch, I was given the wrong size flanges. I bought the larger size by the same company, and it turned out those were too small, too. Once I switched pumps and got even bigger flanges, things definitely improved with my pumping. (I was in a different situation, though, because I wasn't successfully nursing.)

    It does take practice pumping to get your body used to letting down with the pump rather than with the baby. Lots of women look at a picture of the baby or smell a onesie to help. I also found that massaging my breasts (even using olive oil), shaking them (yes, I know it's awfully goofy sounding), or using hot compresses (or the luxury of a hot bath) helped get things flowing better. I realize those might not be realistic for work, but they might help you while you're at home getting used to the pump.
    I breast milk fed my Blossom for fifteen months (after exclusively pumping for thirteen). My Bud (nineteen months) is still nursing directly (after a rough start that included a few months of pumping and supplementing with mommy's milk).

    TwoDewdrops: Nursing Dresses and Tops for Discreet Breastfeeding (and Pumping)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    126

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    I totally feel your pain. My first DD was (and still is) a slim kid. She was above the 99th % for height and around 30-50% for weight. Luckilly I have a pro-BF pedi, so she was never worried.There were appts early on with little or no weight gain. She just said that as long as the overall trend was up and DD was happy, having the right number of poops and pees and overall gaining, we were good. I even asked "OK, she's at 99 for height, 30 for weight. My MIL will freak out, do I need to worry" Dr said "No, she's just a tall, thin kid". I mean, noone says all babies have to be plump!
    My MIL was totally freaked out. She kept telling us to give her rice cerial and formula (at 3 weeks) and making comments about her weight. I would just say "hmmm" or "That's interesting" or "I understand that you feel that". I found that trying to talk/educate her or reassure her that the Dr wasn't concerned didn't do any good. She started calling DD 'Skinney Mini', at that point, I told DH he needed to talk to her and have her drop that around me or we were going to have words.
    I was lucky to have a DH and Dr that was totally supportive.
    I'd say, find a Dr that is BF friendly, follow what you know is best for DD and hang in there. Talk to DH and explain the advantages of BF and get him on your side. THen all I can say is ignore the in-laws. They're probably going to snipe and push. Find what works for you to ignore them, change the subject or get them to just shut up and hang in there!!

  9. #9

    Default Re: Lack of family support

    good for you for switching doctors. i cant believe the advice your doctor was giving you! even the AAP says to never limit nursing sessions. also maybe your doctor was using the wrong charts for weight gain for Breastfed babies. the old charts are made based on growth patterns for formula fed babies, who gain more weight than breastfed babies. good for you for stopping formula and following your instincts!! most doctors dont know anything about breastfeeding at all. they are not trained like lactation consultants. its basically like you wouldnt ask your dentist for advice about back problems, and vice versa.

    as for the inlaws. they just dont understand. anyone who has not breastfed babies has no idea what its like, how long they should feed, or how much weight they should gain and when they should gain it. so i would just smile and nod and tell them you have it under control.

    pumping is easier for me if i try to forget about it. looking at a magazine or pictures on my son, or reading a book, zoning out to the tv, those are the things that get me to pump the most!! basically just relaxing however you can. also make sure your pump is comfortable for you, it shouldnt hurt. i start out on the lowest setting and gradually turn up the suction throughout the pumping session....

    good luck and good for you to follow your instincts! more nursing=more milk!
    SAHM of Baby Dominic, we

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