About to give up

[@llli*mommal]

If it was breastFEEDING jaundice rather than breastMILK jaundice, the levels would still be going up. It's the trend that is important. If your baby was getting insufficient milk, she would be unable to flush the bilirubin and her levels would just go up and up and up.

I know that the initial uptick in your baby's levels and resultant trip to the NICU (14 days, I can't even imagine...) must have left you feeling very vulnerable to worry. But I think the thing to do is to treat your baby's initial bilirubin spike and her persistent jaundice as two different things. That initial uptick was quite possibly the result of inadequate milk intake, because your baby was premature and probably wasn't a good nurser yet. But the current case of jaundice is probably just normal breastmilk jaundice, because your baby's diaper output is normal and her bilirubin levels are trending downwards.

I would not worry about your baby's current bili level at all. If she had been born on her due date, no-one would be worrying about a 1.5 month-old baby with a mild case of jaundice. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a diehard activist- I truly think that you are in the safe zone.

[@llli*rdh2378]

If it was breastFEEDING jaundice rather than breastMILK jaundice, the levels would still be going up. It's the trend that is important. If your baby was getting insufficient milk, she would be unable to flush the bilirubin and her levels would just go up and up and up.

I know that the initial uptick in your baby's levels and resultant trip to the NICU (14 days, I can't even imagine...) must have left you feeling very vulnerable to worry. But I think the thing to do is to treat your baby's initial bilirubin spike and her persistent jaundice as two different things. That initial uptick was quite possibly the result of inadequate milk intake, because your baby was premature and probably wasn't a good nurser yet. But the current case of jaundice is probably just normal breastmilk jaundice, because your baby's diaper output is normal and her bilirubin levels are trending downwards.

I would not worry about your baby's current bili level at all. If she had been born on her due date, no-one would be worrying about a 1.5 month-old baby with a mild case of jaundice. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a diehard activist- I truly think that you are in the safe zone.

I pray you are right! I will likely end up making them check her bili level again, even though I HATE having her heel stuck. She cries, and cries! I also might keep working with the LC every few weeks to ensure that she's still doing well. I really don't want to quit now, especially when I have a freezer full of milk and am pumping 15+ ounces in only 2 sessions a day while at work. Also, the LC I'm working with said she'd never in 15 years actually seen a case of breastMILK jaundice, which was rather off-putting, as well

[@llli*sarapunkinpie88]

NIP i had some reservations at first, but keep practicing, it gets easier i promise!!! don't feel bad using a nursing cover, that's OK if you want to, i used to use one for some shielding from some angles, but not covering my sons face exactly.

as for the jaundice, i can see why you're worried. if your instincts tell you something is not right, listen to them!

keep on the doctors, dont let up on them, get a second third even fourth opinion!
is there anyway you can get donor breast milk? if there is not-

i am going to catch a lot of flak for saying this, but dont be afraid/guilty to use some formula! i am NOT condoning the use of formula for infants as their main source of nutrition, i AM saying that formula was invented for medical use. HOWEVER if you feel you should use a bottle of supplement formula, i have heard you should pump two extra sessions so your supply wont take a hit.

AGAIN, dont use formula if you feel you dont need to, BUT if you feel your child is in danger, listen to your instincts! you know what is best for your child. dont forget that!

[@llli*joe.s.mom]

i am going to catch a lot of flak for saying this, but dont be afraid/guilty to use some formula! i am NOT condoning the use of formula for infants as their main source of nutrition, i AM saying that formula was invented for medical use. HOWEVER if you feel you should use a bottle of supplement formula, i have heard you should pump two extra sessions so your supply wont take a hit.

If a mom NEEDS to supplement, I'm all about it. But it sounds like OP's supply is FANTASTIC (I mean, 8 oz in a pumping is stellar), baby is gaining, bilirubin levels are going down, everything is improving. Definitely no need to supplement based on that set of facts.

I think after worrying a ton for so long, it's natural for someone to take a long time to realize that things are better, improving, and you can relax and take a deep breath. That sounds like what's going on here, from everything you've shared. Keep checking, etc., but also realize, after so much alarm and panic, it's bound to take a while for you to recover and learn to trust your body and your baby's body to do its thing.

[@llli*mommal]

If a mom NEEDS to supplement, I'm all about it. But it sounds like OP's supply is FANTASTIC (I mean, 8 oz in a pumping is stellar), baby is gaining, bilirubin levels are going down, everything is improving. Definitely no need to supplement based on that set of facts.

I think after worrying a ton for so long, it's natural for someone to take a long time to realize that things are better, improving, and you can relax and take a deep breath. That sounds like what's going on here, from everything you've shared. Keep checking, etc., but also realize, after so much alarm and panic, it's bound to take a while for you to recover and learn to trust your body and your baby's body to do its thing.

[@llli*mrsweisass]

Agreed with the PPs.... it is SO hard to stop worrying when you had a reason to from the get-go... especially with all the scary stuff that gets thrown out about late preterms (my DD was 4 weeks early too), it is easy to go down that rabbithole of freaking out about everything that doesn't fit the storyline in the baby books... and it is easy to stay down there when things are getting better. But remember, even if your baby was FT, you would fine things to worry about. She's past her EDD, and it sounds like she is doing great. Now you just have to believe it.

[@llli*duaeguttae]

You're doing wonderfully from the sound of it, but I completely understand about your worry. I struggle with worry myself, and when your little one is so young and vulnerable, it's easy to be worried about everything.

I appreciated something my son's pediatrician told me when I took him in a few months back for a follow-up appointment just because he wasn't himself. There was nothing obviously wrong, but the doctor's statement was that a mother knows her child the best, and he will never complain if a mother needs a professional opinion to be reassured. I was so grateful! I hope your doctors are similarly supportive.

I think that continuing to work with an LC since you are nervous is a great idea, and I'm glad you've found a local LLL group. Hands-on help is wonderful.

Because my son had a "disorganized suck" we had major problems feeding him (via any method) for about the first two months of his life. Once he learned to breast feed, he did great at it. Nevertheless I rented a super-sensitive scale from the LC for a while, then bought a less sensitive one. I weighed him before and after feedings, and I found it super-reassuring to see that he was taking in ounces and ounces every time. You obviously know how much your LO gets through a bottle, but it might help to reassure you since you're nervous if you, for a period of time, see what she gets at the breast, too.

It does sound as though you are really on the right track, and I'm so glad to hear how well you've done.

On your other issue of nursing in public, I found it very difficult to feel at all comfortable nursing my son at first because we had such a hard beginning to breastfeeding. What worked for us was that I carried him in a ring sling and could use the "tail" to cover if needed. He also tended to be more calm and to latch without so much difficulty when in the sling. I nursed him that way at home often because it worked well, but I think that also made it easier for us to transfer our nursing to public settings. It really helps to nurse in public in a manner that's familiar to the child.

I'm glad to hear you've already had some success. Nothing builds confidence like practice.

[@llli*rdh2378]

Well, I took my DD to the Pediatrician again and she said that her bilirubin has been going down and will not go up. She gained only 3 ounces last week, but she said she's still in 25% for I believe chronological, which would mean she's doing even better adjusted I assume, and that it's ok she's not pooping as much, and that it's ok if her wet diapers aren't heavily wet, as long as she's peeing at least 5-6 times a day... but I am STILL not convinced she's getting enough. She slept almost all day Saturday, and was up only about 5-6 hours Sunday. She does seem to have a start of a cold, though, so maybe that's affecting her, too. I am still sticking it out. I even went on an all day venture with her yesterday.... b'fd her 2 times in public. Once at a Grecian Festival in the Church bathroom and once at Babies-r-us in the "Mother's Room". I really don't want to give up, but don't know if my nerves can take it. Having a preemie who had to go back to the NICU really messed me up. Is there anyone else out there with similar experience who could talk me off the ledge with some success stories??

[@llli*joe.s.mom]

Well, I took my DD to the Pediatrician again and she said that her bilirubin has been going down and will not go up. She gained only 3 ounces last week, but she said she's still in 25% for I believe chronological, which would mean she's doing even better adjusted I assume, and that it's ok she's not pooping as much, and that it's ok if her wet diapers aren't heavily wet, as long as she's peeing at least 5-6 times a day... but I am STILL not convinced she's getting enough. She slept almost all day Saturday, and was up only about 5-6 hours Sunday. She does seem to have a start of a cold, though, so maybe that's affecting her, too. I am still sticking it out. I even went on an all day venture with her yesterday.... b'fd her 2 times in public. Once at a Grecian Festival in the Church bathroom and once at Babies-r-us in the "Mother's Room". I really don't want to give up, but don't know if my nerves can take it. Having a preemie who had to go back to the NICU really messed me up. Is there anyone else out there with similar experience who could talk me off the ledge with some success stories??

But mama, even if your baby is having health issues (and I'm not saying she is, it sounds like she's on the right track), breastmilk is the BEST THING FOR HER! If you switched to formula, wouldn't your nerves suffer from knowing that she wasn't getting the antibodies and immunities and perfect nutrition from your milk that she would have gotten if you kept breastfeeding? I guess I just don't understand why your nerves would be grounds for giving up breastfeeding. Personally, I would worry about my baby MORE if he didn't breastfeed, because there is no nutrition that is as perfect for him as my milk, you know? Again, when a mother needs to supplement, I'm all for it. I think formula has its place, and I'm glad it exists. But I encourage you to push through your nervousness and keep breastfeeding your baby because it is the BEST thing for her! (Plus, I think if you can see her gaining for another few weeks/months, you'll probably recover from your nerves and begin to feel more comfortable. It can be very hard at first, while both you and the baby are still learning, but it gets a lot easier with time.)

[@llli*mommal]

Mama, I didn't have near as rough an experience as you have had, but what happened with my first was still very traumatic and made me worry over both my kids more than I should have. I scrutinized their diapers. I obsessed over their weight gain. It can be really, really hard to let go of the fear, once it has you in its grasp. Especially if your LO isn't a fast gainer.

As the PP said, Breastmilk is the absolute best thing for your baby. All those immunities! Someday you will look back and be glad you didn't give up. We promise to hold your hand until you get to that point!