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Thread: I'm feeling low

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    a little village with some trees, people, and a canal in it, Derbyshire, England
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    Default I'm feeling low



    hi mummies, don't know if this is the right place for the post...but just wanted to 'talk' to some like minded mummies.

    i have a wonderful ds - almost 18mths and still happily feeding 'on demand'. we are together all the time, cept for the 2 days i work. I spent all my mat leave devoted to him.

    basically...my priorities and life have totally changed! we co sleep, bf, guess we're into AP. my 'best' friend and i used to be really close, but since my son came along not so much.

    she didn't understand the demands and though i could go round and watch films and paint when he was a matter of weeks old.

    she's since had a baby and barely spoke about the pregnancy, the birth (which she sees as a terrible experience, although had a normal delivery), and doesn't spend a great deal of time with her now 4 mth old. she's going back to ft work in a couple of weeks.

    she didn't get into bf - claimed low supply, and didn't ask me for help even though i'm a trained peer supporter, and basically pumped (at night she pumped while hubby gave formula) so her baby could have bottles ready for next day. baby now on formula.

    She's been away on two hen wknds, out on night's out, etc etc. I feel like she still doesn't know why i couldn't just be how i used to be with her, when her life just doesn't seem to have changed like mine has.

    i have talked to her about how i didn't mean to push her away when my son was born, and explained i needed the 1 to 1 time with him to bond, getto know each other etc. i feel like in trying to be the best mum, i've been a rubbish friend. i would no wayhave gone away when my son was 8 wks old.

    it upsets me we have done this so differently and her life seems to be 'back to normal' (her baby sleeps - mine never sttn). i don't know...feel low and like i've lost my friend. i wish we had similar parenting views but clearly we don't.

    anyone else had this sort of experience?
    sorry to moan...just feel lonely. n sorry if this doesn't make sense.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2011
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    Guatemala
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    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    I know what you mean, DH didnt think having a child would change his life so much (even though he already had a daughter) and he didnt understand why it bothered me when DS was a few weeks old and he was going out to a gig or with his friends, while I had to stay home and take care of a newborn, I also lost my best friend, but not in the same way, were pregnant together with a difference of 4 months, I lost her to drugs, then she got clean when she found out she was pregnant which I think was remarkable, we still have very different ideas about what makes a good mom and even though we dont talk now Inow she stopped BFing to smoke marijuana again... i think her Lo was 1 yr old, I also see moms like my sister in law who has a 6 mo and is FF and already goes out to parties and that sort of thing, my whole world has changed since pregnancy, I barely see or talk to my friends anymore and my whole life is my baby, I tried to work from home but it only lasted a month, even though I enjoyed it, circumstances were too tough... I know Im doing the right thing for my son but sometimes I do feel like I am losing myself in the way.... I think Im overly dramatic now, but anyways I dont think youre alone, and I admire you for doing the right thing for your baby bc I know it can be tough and frustrating and overwhelming sometimes, but it pays off, and you may not be the friend she wanted you to be but youre the mom you want to be and the mom your LO needs you to be

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    19,883

    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    Mama, a lot of us have gone through similar things. Becoming a parent really changes your priorities, and differences over mothering styles can impact how close you feel to someone. If the friendship has cooled, just give it time. A lot of the things that separate mamas when their babies are tiny kind of fade as time goes on. In a few years, whether or not you breastfeed or formula-feed will not make a big difference. You'll be talking about other things, and the friendship may grow back.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
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    Northern Cal.
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    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    I definitely struggled when some of my girlfriends (and my sister) took very different approaches to parenting than mine. My sister talks frequently about how she can't wait to wean her baby, and I feel like it's a direct criticism of me, you know? But of course, she's a great mom, and after all, has breastfed for almost a year, so she's allowed to quit if she hates it, you know? My best friend, who I have known for 20 years now, is a huge proponent of CIO and sleep training, and I just avoid the topic. Her daughter is bright and lovely. It pains me to hear her talk about sleep training her, though, I won't lie.

    As moms, we take these things very personally. It's hard not to. But I agree, as your babies grow older, you may find more common ground again. In the meantime, if you can hold onto the connection, I guess I would say, do your best to keep it alive in whatever way you feel comfortable with. It's good to have old friends. Our friendships may change, but as passionate as I am, I don't know that parenting philosophies are a good enough reason to let a long-time friendship go.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
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    miles from nowhere
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    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mommal View Post
    Mama, a lot of us have gone through similar things. Becoming a parent really changes your priorities, and differences over mothering styles can impact how close you feel to someone. If the friendship has cooled, just give it time. A lot of the things that separate mamas when their babies are tiny kind of fade as time goes on. In a few years, whether or not you breastfeed or formula-feed will not make a big difference. You'll be talking about other things, and the friendship may grow back.
    This has been my experience. And like someone else said you are being the best mommy to YOUR baby and he needs you more than your friend does right now. If it's in the cards you can reconnect with her a little further down the line when you two are more in the 'same place' so to speak.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  6. #6

    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    I with PP's. I have also lost friends after becoming a mom. In my case, most of my friends were not married yet or didn't have any kids so they just didn't understand what it takes to be a parent. Every great once in a while I miss going out and not having to deal with a crying baby in the car and having 5 minutes to pee uninterrupted...but then I look in those big blue eyes, and see that gorgeous smile and my heart melts and I remember what a privilege it is to be a mom to such a wonderful creature :-)
    I'm Melanie

    First time mom to my sweet baby girl born October 2010
    Still
    We full-time and love it!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    In Peace
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    2,923

    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    Some friends aren't meant for forever. You learned things from her while you were friends and had good experiences. Now it's time to find new friends with similar interests as you.

    It sucks, it's true. This is a short but extremely important time for your baby and for you. You just have to do what feels right and that means people will come and go.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    1,293

    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    You should be proud of the kind of mom you are, you sound dedicated to your lo.

    I lost friends when I had my first baby, I also made new friends and learned a lot about myself. Life changes when you have a baby, and for me they have been great changes.

    No need to ever compare yourself to another mama. getting advice, sharing and learning from one another is great. No need to compare. I actually like to tell people my lo doesn't sleep through the night because who cares? Seriously, people act as though it is some measure of your parenting skills. That's ridiculous. so i enjoy telling people all the little things that my son does that make him my baby. I smile when I say he doesn't sleep through the night.

    You seem to be enjoying your baby, enjoy yourself as the unique and special mother that you are too.

    And if back to normal is the life I had before my kids, i don't ever want to be normal again!
    Last edited by @llli*mtmama; May 26th, 2011 at 07:11 PM.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    a little village with some trees, people, and a canal in it, Derbyshire, England
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    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    thank you mamas for your posts they made me feel not so alone after all and brought tears to my eyes.

    I AM proud of the kind of mum i am - thank you for this, and like the last poster, i also say it with a smile now when i say ds never sttn. People do seem to use that one as a marker of your ability don't they??!!

    You're right. if we are meant to reconnecct as closely as we were pre babies then we will. it was very hard for me at first. i was the only one out of my friends to have a baby and live in a very rural location (and was snowed in for a while too - never another winter baby!!). but then... i started falling in love with my baby and needing to see other mamas and my friend didn't understand this. i'm not sure she ever will as it seems to be so different for us.

    i'm so glad to hear your stories and support. i try not to feel sad

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
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    Default Re: I'm feeling low

    Yeah, it can be hard when friends have babies and you have a baby too and you just parent so differently. Friendships do change and it is normal.

    I don't really want to hear about how I should be doing things really differently and even my friends who are somewhat AP but then make rude remarks about how my daughter must not sleep well if she's still nursing in the night and how I'm going to be nursing a pre-schooler (which is fine with me)...it is a strain on the relationship, for sure.

    Sorry no big words of wisdom but I hear you. I can be friends with moms who parent differently, certainly, but not if they're telling me how I'm doing everything wrong.
    Nursed my sweet daughter 3 years, 3 mos.

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