Background: My first daughter had lots of latch troubles and after help from friends and lactation consultants, I still had so much trouble that I ended up giving up after 4 weeks. It made me all the more determined to exclusivly breastfeed my next baby.
I just had baby #2 2 weeks ago. She latched nicely right from the start. I had a bit of pain and shallow latch problems when my milk fully came in, but a lactation councelor friend helped me with that. Now she can nurse quite well and I've gotten past the pain- it even slightly tickles when she feeds now.
What I haven't gotten past is the severe negative feelings with letdown and while she's feeding. I'm very sensitive in the breast area and also very shy, but I was determined to get over that and do what's best for my baby. However, I feel extremely depressed and anxious with letdown and nursing. It's ONLY during letdown and nursing, and I don't fully fit the post partum depression symptoms. I also have a hollow, almost queasy/nauseous, feeling in my stomach when nursing and a very strong irritated type feeling (almost like what you get when you hear nails scratching down a chalkboard). When I feed her all I can think about is that I can't wait until it's over, sometimes to the point where I really want to take her off before she's done so that I don't go crazy. I can't seem to bond with her when nursing, and afterwards I just want to hand her over to my husband while I recover from those feelings. It's probably hormone related, but it's only gotten worse, not better. I ended up letting my husband give her a bottle a couple of days ago because I couldn't stop crying long enough to pick her up and feed her. I immediately felt a rush of relief knowing she was fed and happy without me having to have those feelings, but I feel so selfish if I think about wanting to formula feed because I know she needs breastmilk, not formula. I found myself almost wishing I'd get an infection or have some sort of problem to blame so I didn't feel selfish not wanting to breastfeed her.
I spoke with a nurse and nutritionist (not certified lactation consultants, but lactivists at least) today about it, and they didn't know how to help me except to tell me that it might be ppd and to speak with my doctor who is likely to recommend mild anti-anxiety meds or something. I don't want to be on medication and I'm afraid of side effects or becoming dependent on them.
There's no LLL anywhere close to where I live, so I got online to see if anyone else has ever had anything similar to what I'm going through or anything to say about it. I love my girls so much and want to be the best mom for them, but the negative feelings with breastfeeding is driving me crazy. I want the best for them (my toddler even eats healthy, organic foods), and breastmilk is the perfect food for my baby. However I feel like it's either give her breastmilk and be upset, depressed, and sick feeling or give her a bottle and enjoy her and just be determined to be the best mom to her in other ways.
Sorry this is so long, I just would like some (non-medicated) help.