Well, when I posted this, I was resigned to feeding him 3 oz. of formula. After tonight, I am resigned to giving up altogether. I just cannot take this screaming at my nipple every time I try to feed him like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. It's breaking my heart and it's the most demoralizing experience of my life. I've never felt so inadequate, so incapable, and like such a failure in all my life.
I've fought to breastfeed for 6 months against skeptics and critics who didn't think I could - or needed to - do it. It's been my connection to my baby when I can't be with him during the day and our connection after a long days absence. It's the one thing I can give him that noone else can. And he just doesn't want it. Or me. Every time he does this, it makes me feel like I don't have a bond with him that I want so badly. It makes me want to retreat like I'm investing in this little being that isn't going to share the bond with me that I want to have with him.
It makes me sick to my stomach to stop after making this commitment to him and to myself and after investing 6 months and intending to go a year or longer - something I was so proud of.
I spent the whole night crying about this. I feel like I'm poisoning my child by not breastfeeding him but I feel like I'm dying inside everytime I have to go through the trauma of these episodes.