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Thread: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Sunny England

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Do you remember my post titled "That's it, I give up!! She can have the ***ing bottle!!" ?

    How's it going today? Some times it's so hard, when you've just sat for 10 minutes trying to get them to turn their head while you wave your nipple around trying to 'catch' their mouths and all they do is flail and kick and cry.. (and sign the babysign for milk like mine now does).

    It's a loooong loooong tunnel but it DOES have a light at the end, even if you can't see it right now. I've often, and I mean more times than I can count on both hands, sat here thinking 'why can't I just give up? Why am I putting myself through all this?!' and then for some reason I still trudge upstairs and attach myself to the milking machine. And then when I only get a measly 10mls from each breast I look long and hard at it. Some days I get so upset that there isn't more.. but now and again I realise that it is more than it was last month. Only by a little bit but it is more.

    I wish I lived closer to you because our babies are in almost the exact same situation. Lilly broke her strike two nights back, and tonight she refused the breast again. My heart sank and it felt as if I'd lost it all again. I took several deep breaths, wiped away the tears, and gave her the expressed milk I had ready in her Doidy cup. She had about half of it and then we just cuddled while I rocked her to sleep. That was the important time. The cuddling. Not the nursing. Nursing is for food, and yes it has comfort in it and there is a closeness there too.. but you know what I'm learning? It's not just when nursing that I can get that same cuddles and closeness. All I gotta do is strip my top half, strip her down to her nappy, and that's all I need. They say Skin to Skin works wonders for the baby.. but I'll tell you what? It's got me through more hardships than I care to admit while we've been batteling this nursing strike.

    So. Keep that chin up and remember we are all here to keep you floating. Relax. Easier said than done. Try and remember that the cuddles are important, and if he needs milk, there is always the cup/beaker/bottle (if you want to go there). Once you stop trying to force the feeding and accept that maybe it isn't going to happen this time, you never know what might occur.

    I'm also always here if you need to PM. Feel free. Also, if you wanted, I have free calls to the US.. I wouldn't mind calling you if you asked.

    Jarred - 12/June/2007 - BF for 3 months - stopped due to medical reasons
    Lilly - 4/May/2010 BF for 8 months - On strike between 1/1/2011 - 29/3/2011 - That's 12 Weeks and 3 days!! It is FINALLY over!
    Together we battle with Cows milk, nuts and soya allergies, but we're making it!
    We , , and too, but we had problems..
    EP'ED for 3 months!
    Thomas born Feb 14th 2015 by emcs due to him presenting sideways with a hand first! Trying EBF again!

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Mar 2006

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    OP, your baby may find it easier to BF now that he had the tongue tie clipped...but you have to stick with it long enough for him to figure that out!
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2009

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    It is so hard to feel like you are running around in circles and not getting anywhere. No one tells you how frusterated you may feel.

    Like pps mentioned, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the likelyhood is if you stick with it you will be happy in the end. Going to school and raising a baby is difficult, will any of your teachers let you bring baby to class? I had a few professors who would allow that.

    Also, it is hard sometimes to be a younger mom. I turned 21 just one month before ds was born. Like you nip was uncharted territory for me, but we got the hang of it and were able to go places.

    Now nursing my 18 month old is so easy I sometimes take for granted the months of stress, crying every time trying to get him to latch, trying to make sure I was doing everything right. I wish you a lot of good luck!
    Ds 9/09 nursed for 20 months

    Dd 12/11 nursing a toddler again

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Dec 2010

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Much appreciation for all the replies

    I can't always reply right away because of classes (and I have this site on Leechblock so I can focus on my work! lol), but I read them all in my e-mail and am very thankful there are so many wonderful ladies out there.

    To answer some people's questions- marilyn, I can't go back to the Newman Institute as I am now in Chicago for school. Good idea though, and I plan to next time I am in Buffalo (yep I drove 2.5 hours and to another country for that appt!). If I have time I will e-mail him asking about more domperidone.

    As for taking Connor to class. . .I am single. I need time away from him for both of us or I will go insane. I love going to class and getting a break and getting to be the student/intellectual rather than the mom. I'm really not sure how you SAHMs do it- I love him to death, but I'd go crazy.

    I think the frustration came from the fact that it was the first week of classes and I was like . As we get more settled, I feel more confident. And I pumped an extra ounce yesterday (9oz)! We are doing our "casual nursing" in the tub, and I tried cup feeding yesterday before his bath (so he was undressed). It was an epic fail, but I think I'll keep trying. My plan is to get to one full feeding a day, try that for a week, and slowly increase so I don't get insanely stressed out.

    A big issue is the anxiety. I probably could do it alot sooner if I put all my efforts towards it, but I start freaking out. So relaxing a little and taking it slow is really important for me. Because this shouldn't have me so stressed out that it affects my mothering in other ways.

    One thing I did (and I encourage others who are feel they are terrible mother because nursing isn't working at the moment) is list a few of the things that I do that are special for me and Connor. One thing is the tub. It doesn't always involve a ton of nursing, but instead of being on my knees rushing to get him clean, it is very leisurely and fun.

    The other post about breastfeeding=breastfeeding really helped too. I see everyone on here and am discovering new things that I didn't know were "hot topics" everyday. There are more "issues" than in a presidential campaign. I literally was thinking to myself that if I don't do all the things everyone on here does that I am a bad mother. But seriously, cloth diapers can wait until I have a DH to help out

    The nursing issues almost made me think that I am doing a horrible job and shouldn't be his mother and that he deserves so much better. But when I stepped back, I realized Connor is right where he should be

    I have class in like. . .one minute, so I should go, but I will keep updated!

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Sunny Arizona

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Honey you are trying to deal with a lot. Don't beat yourself up for the things you can't control. Cloth diapering, so not important right now. You're doing so well and not giving up. That's what is important. Any BM is better than no BM. Just keep trying and give it some time. I know you said you get anxiety ridden about him not getting enough from you and you don't trust your body yet. But it will come. But you have to put him to the breast for it to happen. Having a plan is good, but don't feel like you have to stick to it if things start going better. Just take it day by day.

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2010

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Thanks for all the kind words. I've really needed these forums. My mom has started yeling at me and hanging up if I so much as mention my sadness over breastfeeding. She is very stressed out on her end.

    Good news and bad news- Connor has nursed actively in the tub (aka not just 3 sucks- one night I counted 200!) three nights in a row .

    It sound CRAZY but we hung out with an EBF mom and baby and Connor was staring at the other baby the one time he nursed. And then that night, he did! It's probably just a coincidence, but I thought it was interesting.

    He also will nurse on the changing table sometimes. Kinda weird (what I call "doggy style" :P ) but only every so often.

    Other good news- I reached 12 oz yesterday! Considering he takes about 28-30 total that is almost half!!! It does stress me that I still have to double that, but I like that when I pump I get like an oz each time. It feels like SOMETHING.

    Bad-ish news- I have my WIC appt this afternoon. I will have to say that I am not breastfeeding because I am clearly not pumping enough to not need the formula they give. Sure what I pump will stretch it out, but not enough. I know it sounds kind of judgmental, but it makes me SO ANGRY that I am trying SOOO hard and will get the same "FFing" label that the women who never even considered BFing because they couldn't be bothered. Surely there's something politically incorrect there, but I can't help but be annoyed. It's going to be really hard.

    Also I'm terrified of bottle-feeding in public, even when it's my milk. I would like to think those who care give women the benefit of the doubt that it could be breastmilk in the bottle. Funny that my original post said I was terrified of breastfeeding in public too.

    Because right now, that's what is working for us. Sometimes I'm at peace with it, sometimes I long to be that women nursing in a wrap all comfortable with herself. I feel like it would make me so self confident if my body could do that and my son was reliable enough with nursing to do that.

    But yes. Just an update and thoughts that I desperately need to get out. <3

    Edit- It wasn't SOOO bad. I explained but they didn't really care. They put a nice big Q on my card which I can only presumeably means "quit". But I can't let that bother me I guess. I know inside I haven't, right?
    Last edited by @llli*katia11; April 5th, 2011 at 02:16 PM.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Oreogn City, OR

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    About WIC- I can pump about 10 oz per day and DD eats WAY more than that! I guess I'm in your boat when it comes to supplementing with breast milk anyways, the wic program we have here in Oregon offers a "partial-breastfeeding" package. so instead of 9 cans of formula per month I get 5...In the full package they give 9 cans of formula or so but cut back the groceries. In the partial package they give half the formula and give you most of the groceries you would have gotten if you were fully bfing, well, excluding the like 8 cans of tuna. I don't know how many cans of formula we go through per month, but I feel better about the situation that I can still say I'm at least partially breastfeeding and I don't feel so much like I failed somehow.

    good job getting LO on the breast too! even if it IS only sometimes

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Dec 2010

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Thanks! And lol, I'd probably be able EBF if I could spend all day in the tub. . .I'd be a prune! They have minds of their own don't they.

    And I ended up with a decent amount- I think 2 this month and 5 starting next month. I'm seeing about donated milk anyway.

    OH! and my Symphony pump needs new membrane caps. JOY.
    Last edited by @llli*katia11; April 5th, 2011 at 02:46 PM.

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    SW Ohio

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Mama, you have a lot on your plate right now! Try to give yourself a break...I remember when I was struggling to nurse my first baby and having anxiety about nursing, I just kept telling myself that I could only do my best, and even if my best wasn't good enough in the eyes of others, it was all I could do! So when my DD would refuse to nurse, or pop off after just 1 minute, I would say aloud to her "it's ok baby, that was a good try, we can try again in a little bit." Even though she was just a tiny infant, and didn't understand my words, it helped ME to say them out loud, because even though it wasn't going well, we were still TRYING, and that was all that mattered to me. I guess I just feel like if you're giving it your best shot, you should be proud of yourself for trying!!
    IRL all my friends call me Buff, Wife to CB since 10/11/2003

    Mom to DD - "MJ" born 9/2007 @ 8lbs 10oz, 21.5" She's 6 years old!
    My journey nursing MJ started HERE, but we got through it and she breastfed 19.5 months, self-weaned on 5/17/09

    Mom to my current nursling, DS - "ME" born 10/2009 @ 10lbs 1oz, 22.25" He's 4 years old! And yup, he's still nursing.

    Ask me about my successful VBAC! Click here for my birth story.

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    SW Ontario

    Default Re: Not even sure if I want to try and nurse anymore. . .

    Way to go! You're doing the best that you can, and that is all that you can do. You're persevering, and have been trying longer than most people would. You should be proud of yourself.

    We had a lot of problems initially as well. The two weeks were fine, then DS started losing weight again. It ended up being latch issues, and we moved to finger-feeding (he would only take my pinky), then to bottles, and I pumped like crazy. My supply started going down, and we had to feed DS more and more formula, but you know what? He was thriving, and I was doing the best I could for him. Several weeks later, we were finally able to see a lactation consultant, with whom we worked very hard over a handful of visits and a couple of months. At our first visit, the LC was able to get DS nursing beautifully - we booked for a month later, as she was booked, and then away. After the appointment, I could not get DS to nurse for the life of me, in spite of trying and trying and trying. I got frustrated, and I even gave up trying at the breast for a couple of weeks. My supply kept tanking, in spite regular pumping and supplementation. I finally accepted that perhaps DS wasn't meant to feed this way, that the emotional toll it was taking on me was too much, that he will continue to be a happy, healthy baby regardless of how he is fed, and that I will continue to be a good mommy for loving him so much and giving him the best I can. I still kept the appointment at the LC, and was prepared to tell her about my decision. I decided to give it one more try, and wouldn't you know it, he fed well! That and part-way through he self-latched for the first time ever (he was almost 2 months)! Now Rome was not conquered in a day - after that second appointment, I'd try an EB feeding once a day, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. The next week, I'd try 2 or 3, with the same results - sometimes we'd have a day or two where he only wanted a bottle. I had someone check in on my weekly to see how things were going. Over several weeks, DS started to go BF more than bottle feed, and we've finally been EBF (with only occasional bottles of EBM if I need a break) for the last few weeks.

    I feel that it ended up working because the pressure was removed. I was at peace with my decision to have to stop BF, and had nothing to lose. Of course, there was much guilt and turmoil to get to that place. Once I stopped caring as much what people thought (you're the only one walking in your shoes, though yes, being with BF mommies sometimes hurt a little still), and realized that I'm a good mommy regardless of how my baby is fed, things got better. My milk supply even started increasing again, with little intervention! Of course, I have friends who tried and tried, and it never worked, but they are fantastic mommies of happy, healthy FF babies and toddlers as well.

    All the best, and remember, whatever happens, you're a good mommy and are doing your best (which is more than enough for your baby) - be kind and gentle with yourself!

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