Hi there! I'll start crying if I retype all my "issues", so I'll summarize that my LO has not been on the breast full time in three months since we moved and that I am pumping 8ish times a day to keep some semblence of a "supply", though it's about 8-10 oz. The rest is formula. (gasp!)
My laptop does a strange thing where it clicks if i hit the mousepad. I'll finish typing. . .
I visited the Jack Newman Institute (yes, in Toronto) and they found a tongue tie and clipped it. This would have been helpful about oh. . FOUR MONTHS AGO. And they gave me tips, but I really don't have the time to cup feed him, nor can I afford all the spilled formula. We nurse in the tub every night, so he remembers, and it is our special time. I am taking domperidone now and and a little disappointed the milk isn't spewing out of me still. But there has been a teensy difference. Problem is, the pills are very expensive. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind, but I feel bad, you know?
I think he could go back to the breast if I tried hard enough. But I don't particularly want to stop going to school and I have a very hard time. Idk how all you awesome ladies do it because I can't even compare.
Anyway, lately I've been doubting. When I think of breastfeeding, I get so anxious. I did the bottle feeding and tbh, it's not REALLY that hard. And latching on has become a source of extreme anxiety. . ."will he latch? why won't he?" etc. . .and I get panic attacks every once in awhile from all the pressure from school and Connor. I can't see a therapist because I can't afford the extra childcare. And it is so hard to find one that I can trust. The idea of not knowing exactly how much he is getting is also a source of anxiety. When he would nurse, he would sometimes be one for 1.5 hours and still be fussy. Also, I can't nurse in public. I just can't. I'm 21 and not comfortable with that.
But sometimes I feel like. . .if I can't nurse him, he doesn't need me. That I'm not really supposed to be his mother. Please don't yell at me for thinking an awful thing.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking, you know? I am always pumping, no worries on completely giving up. But I'm wondering if anyone has these feelings? If there's anything left I can do? Thanks <3