I was really thrown off, so to speak, by this comment & I asked myself - "Self why was this necessary for her to state?!" :hmmm I won't elaborate on what I thought about in my head:idea :lol
I did, however enjoy this thread & I think the discussion surrounding it was very open & extrememly helpful:ita I am sure I will be referring to it at some point - maybe when E is around the age of two:cool:
But I am mostly interested in a discussion of ideas around "don't offer, don't refuse" and it was feeling like the thread was heading more towards "advice for lsksam".
Since I was mostly looking for discussion, perhaps this thread would have been better in "around the refreshment table", and will consider that for future discussion posts.
My understanding also is that DODF is a MOTHER led method not child. So I think that needs to be taken into account when considering what you were contemplating in the beginning. In it really has nothing to do with a child being trusted to tell you what he needs as much as it it a 1st gentle step in YOU the mother changing the direction of the relationship based on what you need. And where you are trying to get your nursing relationship to go.
I never suggested that riding out a tantrum implied giving in. It just means that you are alwasy there for them during the tantrum. I haven't read the article in quite some time, but I dont' remember it suggesting a parent should give in when a tantrum is because he/she was told, "No," for something desired.
Because it's different. Just like if said child was having a fit bcause he can't have another cookie as opposed to having a fit because he's overtired and doesn't want to go to bed... Those two examples have to be dealt with differently...
If your child is asking because they're thirsty/hungry something similar, to deny then that would be bad news.. but if it's because of boredom or the like, mom has to be in charge of redirecting that. Tantrums are their way of expressing something - its our job to teach them how to express those needs/desires in a more effective and positive way.
The way I handle it when I've opted to not nurse at that exact moment is via distraction. "No, we can't nurse right now in public (since you pull my shirt off) but here's a waterbottle if you are thirsty, and I'll give you a hug."
So far, I've never had a meltdown (i.e., tears; only saw that when I was bitten and put the kid down for a minute) because they were denied nursing, but if they were really persistent about asking, I've reassessed. Sometimes, nursing is about reconnecting versus food, and I'll do that. In the above example, that meant finding somewhere I could nurse despite being stripped.
IMHO, DODR has a very good place in nursing. I bet most of us practice it at some point, no matter what kind of weaning we are experiencing. I've always taken it sort of like "I'm available if you need me." But I've had two boys, so far, that both were not huge comfort nursers for the most part. If I had one who was one who would happily nurse instead of play, for example, I might have to be more active about directing the relationship. DODR to me, is just part of the dance of nursing -- setting boundaries for nursing to me is the same as discipline; we allow our kids to do stuff, but within limits, KWIM. Make sense? I feel like I'm rambling today. . ..
Actually, Erin has a point. Probably 99% of animals wean abruptly, either by removal of the young from the "family" or by direct action of the mother. I have a mare who is a really good mom, actually, and she let her last foal nurse until she was like 9-10 months old, which is really long for a horse (equivalent of nursing a 10-12 year old child!), but I could see I had to help her out by taking the foal out of her field because she never once stopped that great big filly from nursing. . . she was never going to force that foal to stop, but I could tell she was really tired of it. But most of the time, the animal mamas of the world simply start walking away. And the offspring adjust and do well. :shrug
I must be way in the dark here, and I admit, I have never read anything about DODR, but I took the term quite literally and always viewed it as more child led weaning than mother led, although I assumed it was used for older toddlers.:shrug It may just be us, but once Ben was older, we were on a schedule that just came about on it's own, morning, nap and bed. I just stopped offering the morning session and he just went about his business, but then I offered at nap and night. There was only once that he wanted to nurse in the morning, and I did, which is my understanding of DODR. Then he just started refusing nursing at random for nap and bed, until he just stopped. This is what I thought don't offer, don't refuse was all about. If the child wants to nurse, you nurse, but you just don't set aside a specific/scheduled time anymore and whip out the boob if the child doesn't seem interested. Maybe I misunderstood:shrug