So a little back story. In 2010 my DD was born. I had always planned on breastfeeding. Thought it would just come natural, so imagine my surprise when I was leaving the hospital with a baby and a nipple shield in tow. I have inverted nipples (dun dun dun). I was seeing a lactation consultant twice a week for about 3 months. I was using the shield as well as pumping. She would fall asleep within minutes, put her down she'd wake up and then back to the boob I would put her. I felt so confined to my couch I forgot what my bed looked like. I also became very obsessed with her weight gain that I was bringing her in weekly. I gave her a bottle of formula once when she was 2 months old on our way to a consultation. i cried standing right there on the sidewalk feeding her because I didn't want her having formula at all. I remember the day I was finally able to latch her on with no shield. I threw my hands in triumph and quit. I pumped for her first year.
Now fast forward to Feb of this year, my DS is born. Again my plan all along was to breastfeed. Had the same problems with my nipples, couldn't get him to latch. Again I went home with a nipple shield and this time my pump in tow. Since I knew what to expect this time I put myself on a pumping schedule as soon as I got home. I would try and latch him from time to time but the majority was pumping. He loves nursing when I am able to get him to latch. I tried stopping the pumping about 2 months ago and had the starting of mastitis. mind you I tried going cold turkey.
At this point I can latch him without the shield, usually I do it for his bedtime feed lying in bed after bath, but I can't seem to let the pump go. I'm obsessed with seeing the amount I pump at each session. I panic if my bottle supply in the fridge goes below 6 at any given time. I feel like when he nurses and comes off if he cries 20 minutes later I have to put him back to the breast because unlike a bottle you can't see what they have gotten. I feel like I'm going crazy because I keep making the poor boy go back and forth from bottle to boob. Am I doing more harm then good and just choose one or the other/