Re: Violent nursing
Are you still nursing him during the day on the weekends? Are you still nursing him in the mornings? I have a super High energy Boy Kim. And DJ at one point when he was 2 he actually head butted me and gave me a black eye. He is also a child that DOES crave the type of contact that Joe's Mom speaks of. He likes to be burrito Wrapped, and Bear hugged. And I don't ever try to change his personality, BUT I do try to continually teach him appropriate boundaries, respecting other people's space and bodies. Am I doing a perfect job of that? NO. It's an ongoing battle. My child still wants to climb on top of me every time I come home. He is six. He still tries physically to keep me from going to work pretty much EVERY Sat and Sun. Meaning what starts as a happy snuggle time generally ends with me having to wrestle him off of me to get up. And A LOT of time it ends with yelling and me getting really angry because he doesn't know when to stop. Trying to continually teach him where the lines are Is NOT about trying to change his personality. I run that child like a dog, I am at the mat in terms of his education and in terms of protecting him and constantly working to make sure he has enough physical activity.
But I didn't tolerate getting bit, and I began setting limits with him after the year point and by two, was VERY VERY clear that we would only nurse IF it could be enjoyable for both of us. That meant no twiddling. It also meant being willing to stop without a struggle when I was DONE. And somewhere after potty training it meant NOT touching his penis while he was nursing. Because it's a RELATIONSHIP. So if I, one very important person in the relationship wasn't happy, then I could not be expected to continue. It's a growing changing relationship. So you can either make excuses and remain ambivilent or you can do the work so that you may continue to enjoy nursing. The longer you do it, the more ambivilence you may have. But WHILE you are in it, I don't think it's unreasonable OR impossible for you to be heard and respected. In terms of a two year old Kim it can be VERY VERY black and white. You either do this (don't hurt me, pull me pinch me or Grab me) Or you don't get this. Period. Even my kid with no language understood that in the grand scheme of things he could not MAKE me nurse if I didn't want to do it. So at that point he began to learn a bunch of very very important lessons. About human interactions. About HAVING to respect another person if you want to engage them and make them do what YOU want to do. Teaching about boundaries and limits is hard and an ongoing practice that we all must engage in as parents. And frankly I am not great at it. Since I have always had so few my whole life. I don't always know where other peoples are. So I can't always teach those to my kid. But I knew how to identify my own and so do you. And they are always changing in terms of nursing because we are always creeping/working towards weaning after the year point. And that is allowed. The 1st year of their life they control it all. And we let them. Year two that begins to change as solids enter the picture and they begin to comprehend language and are distracted with walking and other children. Every year from then on, YOU are running the show. Every year after the 1st you need to find your lines in the sand to be able to keep coming to the dance. So you are about to enter your 3rd year. You have said that you aren't ready to stop. But what if this is your last year? What if somewhere between now and three it ends? You want to spend you last 6,9 or 12 months hating it? Feeling violated and used? I don't want that for you. And I know you have the strength to do better. All you have to do if firmly set those lines. It may mean getting up abruptly. It may mean time in the crib. It may mean some tears. But he WILL GET IT. Of THAT I am sure. He will understand that he has to play ball the way you want for you to play ball at all. You can do it Kim. I know you can.